Gay and Away

Boys Boys Boys

2012-02-15T23:34:00.009+11:00

Boys Boys Boys

Me: "I got a crush on someone"
Luna: "Ok. What is he like?"
Me: "Well, he's a white Aussie guy..."
"Anyway, I should forget it. The age gap is so... big."

Luna: "Ok, like 10 or 15 years older than you?"
Me: "He's nineteen."

Luna: "Nineteen years older?"
Me: "No, he's nineteen."

Luna: "Nineteen years older, that's like fourty something years old?"
Me: "No. He - is - nine - teeeen."

Luna: "oh okay..."
"That's unusual. Usually the asian guy would be the younger one."
Me: "Yeah. I'm definitely fine with guys 10 years older."
"I just never imagined being with someone 5 years younger before."
"That's like, almost Edward's age..."

I had a crush on Rena. I kept telling myself "It's not gonna work. He's only 19. He won't settle down with an old guy like you. Look at him on the dance floor with a dozen asian boys throwing themselves at him. He's got plenty of choice and you clearly won't make the list. Get real!"

Was age really ever an issue?

I knew Rena was never that into me despite his flirty messages calling me handsome, babe, greeting me sweet morning, and sending me other flirty messages. Probably it is all in the spirit of friendship, and it is likely that he sends the very same message to many other asian boys. Irina said I took them too seriously as no one has done those to me before. I knew it. Still... I had the infatuation for weeks.

And then I got an email from Deirdre...

You've Got a Mail

"Hey Grant,
I wish I'd known about your blog earlier! I was working on an 18-month sexual health needs analysis, looking at international students, both gay/bi and straight, living in Melbourne. Reading it, I feel encouraged that my findings are on the right track..."

Deirdre found and reed this blog. Apparently he was writing a research paper about international student sexual health needs some time ago, and he wished he had discovered my blog earlier. It sounded very interesting so I asked him to catch up and tell me more about his work.

(more after the jump)

Deirdre
Tall, handsome, cute grin. But it was the conversation over drinks and chips that made me weak. Oh well, perhaps it's the alcohol. LoL! He spoke very gently, yet he had strong opinion and passion about everything! He's passionate about LGBT issues, HIV, racism, and international students well-being. I like the ideas he brought into our conversation, even though it wasn't aligned with mine (on same-sex marriage). I went home googling and wikipedia-ing articles about marriage and social hierarchy. Pressed all the 'on' buttons on my head. Oughhh... I think I had mind-gasm.

And it doesn't hurt that the 5 year age gap was on the preferred side. Remember I had a weak spot for volunteers? Well, Deirdre works for an NGO. Plus, he was an ex-university debater, a highschool rower, and he writes well. Enough! F-meeee already... The cure for a crush was to have another crush for another man.

Ok. I know Deirdre might read this entry, and recognise himself here. Dear Deirdre, if you do read this one, please don't be upset. Don't reply on this entry either.

Doppelgay-nger
It felt surreal. And eerie-ish...
Remember when I wished Rhys was gay?

Both are tall, handsome, cute grin, slim, somewhat red-haired, identify strongly as non-Anglo (Celtic roots), and highly educated with left-wing politic awareness. Deirdre studied Arts/Law, while Rhys studied Arts and is now studying Human Rights Law in Berlin.

What's more scary is how identical their family backgrounds are. Divorced parents with Dads working in academics, with brother(s) and a younger step sister from dad's next relationship. How on earth??? I couldn't help but be stunned when he told me this.

Rhys and Deirdre are two unique individuals, yet I'm attracted to the same quality they share: their intense passion to make a difference to the world and dedicate their careers in a field they are passionate about, even though it doesn't pay as much as commercial industries. I find altruism to be attractive and sexy! Other similarities were just freakish coincidences.

Desire - Under Your Spell - Dior SS2012

This song by Desire is currently stuck on my head. Aside from being Dior's SS2012 runway soundtrack, apparently it is also a soundtrack for a movie called Drive starring Ryan Gosling. Try listening. ^_^

"I don't eat. I don't sleep. I do nothing but think of you.
I don't eat. I don't sleep. I do nothing but think of you.
You keep me under your spell.
You keep me under your spell.
You keep me under your spell.
Na na na na na-na..."

Stupid Cupid
Encounters with Rena and Deirdre made me realise how much I actually long for a relationship. Perhaps coming out to my younger brother Edward gave me a green light to find boyfriend.

Sadly neither Rena nor Deirdre were into me.

Rena told me he became boyfriends with the cute short asian guy he was dancing with last time I saw him at the Peel. I thought I was too old for him, but apparently that guy is 30-something. I'm speechless... That guy didn't look anywhere past 22!!! Some asian guys just don't age. Anyway, congrats for both of them. I wish them the best.

Deirdre is single, gay, and his past relationships were with asian guys. A wish came true? Errr... He still wants to rekindle with his ex. I am going to respect that and wish him good luck.

I'm hoping that we can be friends, and we happen to have some mutual friends too! Next time I see him I'll make sure it wouldn't be one-on-one.

Whew...
Now that I got my wish: find a gay Rhys who into asian guys; he is not for me.
Genie must be laughing. Hard.

Cure for Hangover is More Alcohol
I realised that the cure for crush is a deeper crush. And now that I am ready for love, I better start looking. I set up new profiles on Fridae, OK Cupid, Manhunt, Samesame, Grindr, Gaydar, and Gay.com.

But I thought Crush was not alcoholic?

My Type
While I don't have a definitive list, I have figured out the kind of characteristics in a guy that turns me on. I just happen to often fall for a certain kind of guys. I never planned to fall for hippies. But I just often did! And sadly many hippies reject the idea of marriage. Am I chasing the impossible?

1. I like guys with a passion in life, who put effort and pursue it actively.
It doesn't have to be my own interest. I appreciate guys who can share what their heart beats for. I concluded this after meeting a guy for dinner about a year ago. While he did have hobbies, preferences, and taste, I felt that it was lacking in passion. I also have had crushes on people only after discovering what they have done for the things they love.

Examples:
- Rhys is passionate about human rights, and I met him when volunteering for a human rights NGO. He is now studying human rights law in Berlin.
- Dana volunteers a lot, and he was my Y&G mentor. He does long distance runs and raised money for an African health charity.
- Rena is passionate about right-centre politics, and he is studying economics for it. He is passionate about it and made me watch Thatcher videos and revaluate my opinion on John Howard.
- Deirdre is passionate about racism and LGBT health issues, and not just volunteering. He is working in it!

2. A guy who wants long a term monogamous-relationship, and good with kids
Perhaps someone who is open to the idea of having children in 10-15-20 years? I know it's too early to talk about children, but I'm already saving for it. It has a huge cost and if he wants it he should be saving too.

3. Age-wise, ideally not older by 10 years, and not younger by 2 years.
I've been attracted to a 50 something year old guy who was passionate about running Marathons and recently ran Berlin Marathon, one of the 5 World Marathon Majors (Berlin, London, NY, Boston, and Chicago), and was going to run the NY one. I don't know if it was the physical fitness or the passion about running that turned me on. Perhaps both? Or perhaps because he worked in an NGO?

I thought an older guy would be able to somewhat... lead me. Direct me when I'm clueless, assure me when I'm insecure, strengthen me when I'm weak. Someone I could look up to, follow, and ensure that everything will be alright. Gosh, I must change this mindset.

However, I thought it wouldn't be as fun if he was too established. I want to support him in his ups and down times, comfort him when he's in blue, share the experiences of moving jobs, building careers, progress, discover, and learn about life together. I'd love to share a mortgage and contribute equally, not just move into one fully owned house. So a guy more than 10 years older will be too advanced for me.

And assuming we have similar life expectancies (Australian male is at about 80 years), I don't want my partner to pass away when I'm only 60 and still mentally healthy. I don't want my last two decades to be too lonely. Alzheimer does not usually starts before 65. Not that I'm planning to get one. Hehehe...

A younger guy... Maybe because I'm only 24, the younger range is pretty limited. In Victoria, 16 years old would be the lowest limit, assuming I don't have a supervising relationship. Eighteen and above is safe.

I try to figure out reasons why I'm uncomfortable to date younger guys.
1. If I dated a 19 year old guy, perhaps people would call me craddle snatcher. Actually, I don't care. People who do would probably judge my choice because I date a guy anyway.
2. Perhaps my taste just happen to fit preferences of bottoms by this study? Older, taller, heavier, hairier, who'd do me rough? Hahahha!

Point 1 is a about attraction.
Point 2 is a matter of fitting life goals.
Point 3 is just an ideal. I guess I would be happy to date guys outside the prescribed age range if the other two points are met, although... Gosh, I hate to admit this: I like fit and good looking guys; and usually they are in their 20 something to early 30s.

Make Me Over
I thought looking more attractive might help my luck a bit. So I got myself a hairstyle makeover, teeth whitening cast, and I braved myself to wear contact lenses. I just want to look better.

I like the contact lenses. The steepness of learning curve I experienced in getting to wear them is amazing. At first it took almost an hour just to put one lens on an eye. It's so scary! Then I could do it under 30, 15, and now around 5 mins. Yay! Everytime I wear it, it's like I'm challenging myself to do it quicker. LoL!

American Crew's Face Off Awards - Summer Hairstyles 2012

The haircut is meant to be styled with hair straightener (ironically to curl my very straight hair). The process takes so long and I'm not sure if it worth it. It uses so much hair product and though it looks good, I don't like the way it feels.

The teeth-whitener cast is worn overnight. I'm actually worried if this might cause harm to my teeth. I'll use it minimally and rarely only.

Preparing for 'it'
If I were a hetero, most-likely I'd stay virgin until my marriage. Just like my brothers and sister. However, being gay just change... everything! Anyways, I've discussed this issue 2 years ago.

The only thing that was keeping me away from it was fear of unrequited attachment, and fear of reducing sex to casual biological activity. But I'm ready now. I guess. I'm ready to get hurt if that's a necessary process of growing up. I just need to find someone I can trust who has the best of intentions of maintaining long-term relationship and loves me.

Before I have my first time, I'd like to donate blood as much as I can. So, I did one in January. After I had my first MSM sex, I would be excluded from becoming a blood donor.

Apologies for the graphic image.

This year, I might do it.

Advice
So what's the dating progression like?
Kiss on 1st date?
Waist to neck on second date?
Waist down on 3rd date?
It on 4th date?
Perhaps 4th date would be a good stage. I hope the guy I like would be able to wait. Then what's after that? I'm kinda afraid that the guy would lose interest once all bases have been touched.

- Irina told me to just do it. LoL!

- Dana said that I might need to explain why I don't kiss or have sex on first date. He told me he hasn't been too successful in dating and that I should seek other sources of advice.

- Luna and Stella said as long as I show a clear interest, kiss or sex is not necessary. And I shouldn't give a kiss just for the sake for second date. Luna made Stella wait for 3 months before their first sex. They have been together for about 5 years now, and it is Luna's first relationship. I think it is a success story.

- Mortimer advised me not to waste time with someone I'm not meant to be with. I might miss out on a potential life partner if I were in a relationship with the wrong guy. He also great ideas for questions to ask in my dates. Mortimer has been with his Nic for 9 years. Awesome!

Bring the Boys Out

Let's meet the boys!

Date 1: Tallulah
I met Tallulah on Fridae.com. We met at Melbourne Central and he brought me to his favourite Japanese restaurant on Bourke Street. He is a lot more assertive than his profile suggests, which is a good thing. He is very fit, exercises a lot at the gym, and does a lot of walk. A very active guy.

He works as a salesperson for products crafted by people with disabilities which I find interesting. He liked his job because it allows a lot of people interaction and I liked his opinions on how isolation is bad for mental well-being. He told me that one day he'd like to venture into property business and be an entrepreneur.

It's just that... I wasn't comfortable with the way he sees people, self-image, and how he gets bored interacting with the same people. Probably because he was describing his role as a salesperson and the strategies used to generate sales. I was spooked out that he might use the same principle on relationship. I could be wrong and extrapolate things too far.

He told me that he's been in three relationships with asian guys that lasted 8 months each. A vietnamese, a thai, and a malaysian. I joked that he is working his way south geographically. Could an Indonesian be his next? Hahaha!

This time it was him who show more interest. He initiated follow up message, asked me for another date, movie, etc. I told him that MQFF is coming soon and he should let me know if he wanted to watch any.

I wasn't into him, and I think we can be just friends. And anyway, the date that he proposed clashed with another date that I scheduled forrr....

Date 2: Damara
This is how my Grindr profile looks like. My photo on the actual Grindr is not blurred like here.

This blurred version looks funny. The eyes look comically big like Japanese manga styles. Actually, I look like a blow up doll in this blurred photo. Hahaha!!!

"Let's play this game
Guess where I came from. You've got three chances. Give it a go. It'll be fun!"

Whenever I chat with strangers over Grindr (and in real life), they always asked me where I was from. Sometimes it's even the first thing they ask, before even saying "Hi". I used to get uncomfortable with the approach, but now I'm just gonna turn it into a game. At least when I ask them to guess, it becomes their task to tell where I'm from. Hehehehe...

I get a really good number of response with this Grindr profile. I guess the game serves as an ice-breaker to initiate conversation.

It's interesting the variety of reactions I get, not just the different guesses. Some guys got it right and we chatted further as the ice has melted. Some got it wrong and we still have further conversation. Some guys get frustrated because they only had 3 chances and they've used two. Some insisted that I give out more clues. Two said I must come from vaginas, which are correct. Hehehe... I must've pissed them with my profile. And whether they got it right or wrong didn't matter. I didn't promise anything if they got it right.

Btw, Taiwan and Korea are very popular as the guesses, even though the highest number of international students in Victoria comes from China 30%, India 20%, Vietnam 6%, Malaysia 5%, and Indonesia 4%. Korea rank 6th with 3% while Taiwan does not make the list.

Here's some tally
Taiwan 9 (3 first guesses)
Korea 8 (4 first guesses)
China 7 (4 first guesses)
Malaysia 5 (1 first guess)
Thailand 4 (1 first guess)
Australia 3 (2 first guesses)
Singapore 3 (1 first guess)
Hong Kong 3 (1 first guess)
Indonesia 3
Japan 3
Vietnam 2
Macau 1

I lost the conversations from some guys because they become a bit scary and I blocked them, but I recall Korea and Taiwan were popular among the answers. Apparently I have Korean eyes and features.

My Dad came from Taiwan. I've been told that I look like my dad. So I guess I have got a Taiwanese look. Hehehhe...

Anyway, here's my conversation with Damara:

Cheeky smile, chubby cheeks, warm eyes, thinning hair... He doesn't look bad, but not the best-looking profile on Grindr. But his messages are extraordinarily fun.

Then I met him.
Cuter than his picture, cheekier than I thought he'd be. I instantly liked him.

He covered his head with a flat golf cap, probably to cover his thinning hair. It didn't matter to me, he looked sexy when he speaks. I wanted to kiss the top of his head! Thick rimmed glasses and casual wear after work, I thought he must be a graphic designer or something.

He works for a government agency in climate change. Awww... I didn't know he'd turn out to be an intelligent hippie. I fell for him even deeper. He is well travelled, been to all continents except South America and Antartica. Got a travel bug, he said. Lived in Japan for a year, thus his nickname Yoshihiro. Hahaha! Fun guy!

The dinner lasted for about two hours. The Gyu Tan Dons that I ordered came out suppperrr spicy and I even couldn't handle it. Darn! I should've ordered the regular one. Then he had to catch up with his friends.

Along the way to his bicycle (how environmentalist get their sexy bums. LoL!), I could feel that he isn't interested in me. Oh shoot. What did I say wrong?

That's it. I guess there's no Valentine for me.

Other Things
Other than that, this January and February has been just alright.
- Went to Midsumma with Irina. Met Mortimer and his partner and cute dogs Diesel and Dolce. Saw Shannon the aussie speedo blogger.
- Celebrated the Chinese New Year with GAP and Yellow Kitties, and went to Pride March with them again.

Coming up:
Third Date
A guy I met through OK Cupid just sent me a message for a date this weekend. He seems like a great guy. Wish me luck!

Oh Love, where art thou?

Mardi Gras Here I Come!
Oh! Btw, in a spur of the moment, I decided that I'm going to Mardi Gras this year. Well, Kylie Minogue will be performing and last time she came to Mardi Gras was 1998, that's like 14 years ago.

So exciting! This is going to be like a rite-of-passage for my gayhood. LoL!

Lucky

2012-01-08T19:04:00.013+11:00

Kylie's first hit was: "I should be so Lucky"

This is a story about a boy named Lucky.
Early morning, he wakes up,
knock-knock-knock on the door...

We partied hard till 6am on the last Friday of the year. So I'm sure he didn't wake up that early. Hehehe... Had an Amaaazing time together! Gosh I missed him so much.

I know he's a die-hard Britney fan (he said he felt out-Britneyed when he saw my Britney costume photos), but since he's in Australia, I gave him a Kylie's Aphrodite Concert DVD as a welcome gift. I bought a copy for myself too. Hehehe...

Proudly Melbourne grown Princess of Pop Kylie Minogue

Our Glee Years
Lucky was a handsome and gentle-mannered boy from my high school in Jakarta. We never shared a classroom together, but we knew each other through the choir. I know. It's a very gay cliché.

I was never that interested in music, and I was a terrible tenor. The reason I joined the choir was partly due to another classmate whom I shared home ride with, and partly because Lucky was in it. Yes, I did have a crush on him. And I didn't know that he was gay.

Anyway, there were only 4 male choir members. I got paired with Lucky because we were both tenors. We had great time with the choir. Went in several choir competitions and won a second place, sang on school events, got paid singing gigs for conferences, and had a holiday tour in Bali. Guess what? I shared the hotel room with him.

(more after the jump)
I had no idea that during that high school period, he was made to see a psychologist after his parents caught him in a relationship with a guy. If only I knew, I could've had someone to share the pains of growing up gay with.

He was a smart student. Graduated first rank from his final year major (mid-2005). Then he went to study overseas in the Netherlands, as he had some relatives there. Years later, his profile photo on facebook was with a cute blonde boy. That's how I found out that he was gay.

That time I just started studying in Melbourne and I was beginning to accept myself. The pictures of him and his family sitting over lunch with his boyfriend was a bliss. Knowing that he is openly gay and accepted by his family gave me hope that I could have the very same thing.

I sent him messages and asked about his coming out experience, and all the trouble he had to go through. The conversation we had helped me, a lot. I was chatting some other gay guys on the internet about this issue too, but words from people you actually know are so much more powerful.

Party Harder Down Under
Anyway, Lucky came from Amsterdam to Melbourne for holiday to spend New Year's Eve with his family. His sister studied in Melbourne and is now working full-time here and has an apartment. I was trying to convince him to move here and join her. After all, he's got family here, and Melbourne is so much closer to Jakarta than Amsterdam is to Jakarta.

I wanted to show him the night life in Melbourne so I brought him to Peel. We danced like idiots and had a lot of fun. Oh, did I mention that Lucky is a very attractive guy? He got hit by a lot of people. Awesome! I wasn't jealous at all. The old crush I used to have in him is long gone. Or has it? I just wanted him to have a good time. After all, he just broke up from a 5-year relationship with the cute blond Dutchboy and he needs to get loose!

Rena and Sahara
Two asian boys approached him on the dance floor, chatting him up. I felt a bit ignored. But then, apparently these two asians were with a much quieter white boy. Since we were both out of the main conversation, I initiated a chat with him. After that we danced together.

When Lucky wanted to get some drinks at the bar side, I thought it was a signal that Lucky wanted leave them politely, but they followed us to the bar. I didn't mind getting acquainted with new people, but hey it's Lucky's night. Whatever Lucky wanted, I'd accommodate it.

I ordered the drinks and quietly watched Lucky talk to them to see if Lucky really wanted to get away from them. White boy chatted to Lucky, and revealed that he was 19. Wow! Conversation got more interesting from there on. He insisted that I and Lucky (who are 24) were not old. Let's call this boy Rena.

We went back to the dance floor. We danced with everyone, but mostly with Rena. He just shone after the conversation. I felt bad for the other 2 asian guys. It's like they initially wanted to get close to Lucky, but ended up losing their white boy to us. LoL! So I made sure I danced with each of them. Lucky got the chance to dance 1-on-1 with Rena. Rena was Lucky's type of guy. Perfect!

Then this South Asian guy came. I recognised him as one of the participant of Lotus Award's Fried Rice night. He performed a pretty good dance at the competition. He told me he won that category. I was surprised that this guy suddenly got close to Lucky. Let's call this South Asian guy Sahara.

Apparently Sahara and Lucky had been chatting through... GRINDR! Oh well. Sahara quickly took over Rena's place. I didn't understand. I thought Rena was Lucky's type. Not that Sahara was unattractive.

The two asian guys Rena came with left home, but Rena didn't. So I danced with Rena, and Lucky danced with Sahara. Boy, Rena was cute! Shut up! He also responded well to my dirty wild dancing. I looked back, and Lucky was sharing a kiss with Sahara. Wow.

In my mind, okay Lucky, if you don't want Rena, I actually want him. A few minutes later...
"Look. Your friend is being kissed!"
"Okay. And are you... jealous?"
"No, but he doesn't seem like he wanted to be kissed."

I checked on Lucky again. He was cornered by Sahara who seem all over Lucky. I was very protective of him, I quickly patted Lucky's shoulder and asked "hey, wanna get some drinks?", grabbed his hand and took him awat to the bar. Rena followed, and Sahara was left behind.

"Lucky, are you alright? Was he forcing a kiss on you?"
"Oh, no. He's a nice guy. He's just being very... forward that he wants me and making sure that I know that."
"Okay, as long as you're fine."

Sahara came to us. I think he felt like he was robbed of Lucky. After hearing from Lucky, I thought Sahara didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps Rena was being jealous.

Sahara came to say goodbye and said that we should see each other again for New Year's Eve at Grey Hound Hotel. So we exchanged numbers, he left, and then there were three of us.

Lucky, Rena, and I left the bar at 6am, when Peel closed. We walked to the nearest McDonalds, had breakfast, and chatted. I think I fell for Rena further after discussing politics with him. We were both on the opposing spectrum, but he voiced his opinion in a passionate but respectful way. He really doesn't seem like a 19 year old when he speaks. Then we parted.

Lucky and I were charmed by Rena. However, we both pushed each other to be with him. Lucky said that even if there was anything, he was going back to Amsterdam in less than a week. I thought clearly Rena was more into Lucky than me. And I don't want to be the consolation prize.

My Place
So I and Lucky went to DnM Bar (formerly the Exchange Hotel), and Rena came to pick up his shirt left in my bag. We were chatting in the smoking area and were approached by some guys. One was after Lucky, but chatted with me because Lucky was busy with Rena. See? I was always the 2nd prize.

The second one was after Rena. This cute hunky stranger told Rena that he looked like Kurt from Glee. And yes he does, just slimmer and cuter. Lucky then tried to match-make this guy with Rena by saying "And you look like Blaine, I mean a more grown version of him." It didn't come too well. The stranger thought Lucky meant he looked older than Blaine. Lucky tried to make it up "Blaine - Kurt... You guys should get together!". Didn't work.

Lucky then went to the toilet (apparently he was trying to apologise and encourage the stranger to give another shot). While I was with Rena, I said "Lucky is a very cute guy isn't he?" Rena then said "You're a fine guy yourself" while trying to kiss me. I moved my face away as that stranger came back to compliment Rena's shoes. Didn't work on Rena.

Through the conversations we had, it finally made sense. Rena is only attracted to asian guys. Wow! What a rare find. Usually white guys who after asian guys exclusively are much older, like the first guy at DnM who approached us. Not 19-year old white boy like Rena. So that's why he was with two asian boys at the Peel, and he does not respond to the cute hunky stranger's pick up.

We went back to the dance floor. From the way we all danced and had conversations, I could confirm Rena's preference of Lucky over me. They kissed. I insisted that we all go back together to my place and they could have my room. Damn! I wished I had tidied up my room better. They didn't agree, but then after we left DnM, I persuaded them to come to my place for movie.

So we went to my place, and we watched "Thank You for Smoking". It wasn't the best idea. Rena liked the movie but Lucky seems a bit uninterested. We were tired, so I turned it off, and asked everyone to fit into the single bed and sleep until the first tram runs in the morning.

On the small single bed with these two cute boys. One was my high school crush and the other is a 19-year old boy I was having crush on. And they liked each other. Oh gosh. I felt so wrong and I shouldn't be there. I told them I was going to the toilet, but before I left, I put condoms and lube (I got them for free at LGBT events) on the desk and turned on the desk light so they could find it out. I went to sleep on the couch outside and let them have the privacy.

In the morning, Lucky came out of the room and found me. Apparently nothing happened. He said Rena was just too tired. I walked Lucky home to his sister's place but halfway he insisted that it wasn't a good idea to leave Rena alone sleeping in my room.

One-on-One
Back home, Rena was still fast asleep. Beautiful boy. He made a movement and I asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He said "just relax" while patting the bed inviting me to lay by his side. I haven't really slept and I was really tired. So I slept next to him. He hugged me. I can't help but remember the last time another guy hugged me on my bed.

He woke up. We chatted about politics, and he showed me youtube videos of Margaret Thatcher. I like guys who are passionate about something. And damn, Rena just made me melt. Whenever I wanted to go out to get him a breakfast (then already lunch), he'd pull me over onto his lap and made me watch all the youtube videos he wanted me to see. Awww... How cute. Finally I just had to go to get meals.

He's such a rice queen, even the 'white' guys he showed me as attractive turned out to be part-asian. (Enrique Iglesias, Aussie Speedo Dancing Guy) We spoke about relationship, and he said he has previously had two relationship with asian guys aged 26 or 27. Damn it! Stop giving me hope!

That day, Melbourne was scorching 40*C hot. So I told him to stay over until it's dark and cooler. We ended up watching all episodes of Rick and Steve season 1 and 2. I've developed a bigger crush on him. Ugh!

Farewell
Anyway, this post is meant to be about Lucky. Sadly, all good things come to an end. I'm still trying to encourage him to move to Melbourne. But he told me I should visit Amsterdam instead.

Just before he flew back, I gave him some parting souvenirs. DNA magazines, Holding the Man book, Lucas PawPaw lip balms, Anthony Harvey Pictorial Maps of Melbourne and Amsterdam, Katy Perry's Teenage Dream CD (Cause "Last Friday Night" was our song), The Big Gay Musical DVD, and a card with our photo with Rena printed inside. Why didn't we have a picture just the two of us?! Anyway, Rena was a big part of our wild nights out in Melbourne, so he deserved to be there.

I reminded Rena that Lucky was leaving that morning, and that it'd be great if Lucky could get a goodbye message from him. I think they liked each other, and they should be together if Lucky moved to Melbourne.

During his short visit in Melbourne, we had a lot of fun together. I wish we would see each other again soon.

Modern Family

2011-12-31T23:04:00.010+11:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys!

Mom and Edward was visiting me in Melbourne for Christmas. I booked a hotel room with bunk beds and Queen-size bed. Mom slept on the queen, Edward on the top, and I'm on the lower bed. Edward is a typical 17-yo teenager, inseparable from his mobile phone. This was our bedtime conversation.

Me: "Hey Edward! What's up?"
"Busy chatting to your girlfriend?"
Ed: "Nope, I don't have a girlfriend, and this is another boy."
Me: "Oh, what happened to that girl who added me on Facebook?"
"She seemed like she was still into you she sent me some messages."
Ed: "Nah, we broke up long time ago."
Me: "Oh, that was because you moved school yeah?

Me: So, any other girl after her?"
Ed: "Yeah, there was another one but we broke up as well."
Me: "How? I mean why?"
Ed: "I didn't have time to spend with her."
"Mom always nagged me to go home early."
Me: "Oh... I see"

*I guess that means mom disapproves the relationship*

Me: "Btw, are you close to Roxanne's hubby?"
Ed: "Yeah, we're good."
Me: "Good like...?"
Ed: "I speak with him when we catch up with Sis."
Me: "What about Harold's ex-girlfriend, when they were still together?"
Ed: "Which one?"
Me: "Whichever. Why don't you tell me both?"
Ed: "Well, I was fine with both."
"Just in case one becomes a family member..."
"I want good relationship with them."

Me: "Btw..., what I if I dated a white Aussie?"
Ed: "That's fine."
Me: "What about someone who's black?"
Ed: "Fine."
Me: "What abouttt..."
Ed: "Whatever. Fine. As long as it's not with a dude."

*awkward silence...*

Ed: "Err... Otherwise I wouldn't get a nephew or niece."

*even more awkward silence...*

(more after the jump)

I couldn't continue the conversation. Mom was sleeping just next to us. She could hear everything we were saying. So, I grabbed my phone and texted him.

Me: "Err... I'll tell you a secret. Please keep it to yourself."
Ed: "What is this about?"
Me: "Well, I think in the near future, same-sex marriage would be legal in Australia."
Ed: "And then?"
Me: "Same-sex: man and man, woman and woman." (I wasn't sure if he understood what I was trying to say)
Me: "Uh... And that's why I've been so persistent about staying in Australia."

Ed: "Why?"
Me: "Because I want to have a family."
Me: "But I can't marry a woman. It would be unfair for her."

Ed: "Why?"
Me: "I've tried. I've tried to change to become a straight guy. But after years I kept failing my deadlines." (Notice that I've been avoiding to say the phrase "I'm gay"?)

Ed: "Then?"
Me: "I was frustrated."

Ed: "Just because you haven't, doesn't mean you never will."
Me: "It's scary, Ed."
Me: "After more than 10 years of trying to become straight and always failing..."
Me: "Even if I can one day become a straight guy, I'd be paranoid that another day I'd turn gay again."
Me: "Imagine if I had married a woman and then I turn gay again."
Me: "That would be awfully unfair for the woman."

Ed: "Do you like boys or you just can't get attracted to women?"
Me: "I like guys. And I can't like girls."
Me: "I've tried to become at least bisexual. And it wasn't even working."
Me: "I thought I could try to at least like girls, even if I couldn't stop liking guys."

Ed: "You're not attracted to girls? How come?"
Me: "I've seen all kinds of girls nude pictures. From skinny models to curvy ones. They just don't arouse me."
Me: "It's like how you're not aroused by seeing guys naked."

Ed: "And you're aroused by seeing naked boys?"
Me: "Gosh! I can't believe I'm talking to you about this. Can we at least use the word guys instead of boys? Boys sounds too young and wrong."
Ed: "Yea guys."
Me: "I prefer someone my age, or perhaps a bit older."

And our conversation continued long. It wasn't the best response I was expecting, but he's pretty cool with that in the end. At least he doesn't avoid me or hate me. We spend the next nights watching the TV series Modern Family. I'm happy that Edward enjoyed that show.

The TV series features an extended family of a grandfather with his new wife and stepson, his married daughter with three kids and husband, and his son with a gay partner and adopted baby. I love its message of love and acceptance.

I flew to Sydney with Mum and Edward during the Christmas holiday. We went shopping at Boxing Day. And I bought Harold and Roxanne a copy of Modern Family's first season DVD. I hope the show can help them get used to the idea of gay couples adopting children, and fitting into the bigger family picture with straight siblings and parents.

I bought this can of Coke for Mum. She's not slightly impressed.

New Year 2012 Resolution
- Come out to my whole family before turning 25 years old.
- Find love.

Lotus Rice

2011-11-24T19:12:00.003+11:00

Lotus Rice is delicious!

Lotus Rice is a popular yum cha dish that is basically a parcel of glutinous rice wrapped in lotus leaf. It is delicious and filling.

Filled with chicken, mushroom, shrimp, and eggs. Yummmmm...

Anyway, I bought the lotus rice just for this entry's photo prop because I'm writing about... Lotus Awards 2011.

Heaven's Door Lotus Awards 2011
I've been to the awards twice. First one in 2009 to support Dana's friend at Mr Lotus heat round, and the second one in 2010 to support Vanessa in Ms Lotus heat round. However, I've never been to any of the final nights, and I was curious to experience all categories.

Here are the four categories of awards:
1. Sunday 30 Oct - Fried Rice Final
2. Sunday 06 Nov – Mr Rice Queen Final
3. Sunday 13 Nov – Mr Lotus Final
4. Sunday 20 Nov – Miss Lotus Final

Fried Rice Final
The Fried Rice category is awarded to any entertainment acts. Anything goes, says the host drag queen. I saw two dance/mime acts, and one stand up comedy. It seems as if this category didn't attract enough entrants as the host invited anyone to enter that night.

Mr Rice Queen Final
Mr Rice Queen category is awarded to non-asian guy 'supporter'. Most of the entrants are pretty mature caucasian guys. There were four finalists (down from 7 I heard). One of the guys named Albie was very hot! He won the 3rd place. My favourite guy Luke won the first place. He's very entertaining to watch. LoL! I wish I had taken some photos.

Mr Lotus Final
Alright, compared to the first two nights, this night was jam packed. There were 5 finalists, and my favourites were Tony who strip-danced with baby oil (phew, hot!), and Shane the bartender (who's got the world's roundest butt ever!). Tony won 2nd place and Shane won 1st place. Congrats!

Tony in Policeman cap and Shane in Sailor cap

Miss Lotus Final
There were 4 finalists: Jacqui, Bunny, Jessie, and Tia Maria. My favourite, Bunny, won 2nd place. Jessie, a Thai Tiffany Show girl, was the clear winner of the night. I wouldn't be able to distinguish her from a natural-born female off-stage.

Bunny in peach tulle, Jessie in pink satin

(more after the jump)

Some Updates in Life
Irina is currently good. Daisy was expelled from our dormitory. Still, Irina said that Daisy would sometimes enter the building by following other residents and try to find him. So Irina moved from his floor to an empty room on my floor.

One night, a stranger asian guy came looking for Irina's room. He was clearly not a resident, and seem to be getting instruction over a phone. I said I didn't know him. It was scary. Apparently Daisy had a few asian friends. Could he be a rice queen?

Anyway, gotta get going now. I'm attending GAP's Talk Asian "No Offence but No Asians": Sexual Racism and Us. This should be interesting.

Birthday

2011-10-21T19:27:00.010+11:00

Look what I got for my birthday!

A Bad-Boy Prostate Stimulator! OMG!!!! Margie returned my birthday prank for him really seriously. Look at the card! It says "Go Ahead and Indulge!" LoL!

Wow. This toy is very big, and it moves violently. I'm too scared to use it. Will it break my hymen? Hahaha!

Birthday Party
Anyway, I started my birthday party at GH Hotel. Having been stuck at the queue line before, I reserved VIP tickets for me and my guests: Marcia, Irina, Ruby, Dana, and my straight couple friends Brad and Janet. It was well-worth it!

We had access to the upstairs lounge facing the main stage. The best view of the show, and the performance was fantastic! The burlesque performances of aerial hoop, and aerial silk were breathtaking. The troupe dances were similar to the one I saw 2 months ago. Still very entertaining.

I'm glad that Brad and Janet enjoyed their first gay bar experience. Brad felt a bit awkward on the dance floor, but Janet was a natural. Ruby and Dana were inseparable the whole night. I had no idea when they started seeing each other. Good for them! I also met Bonny again. Remember that cute guy who made me took my top off at Peel 2 months ago? He was there with his girl friends. Charming as always.

After 1am, GH closed. Brad and Janet said goodbye, while the rest continued the party to Peel. Bonny couldn't come along, but Estelle showed up after his work. Yay!

Oh, btw, I was wearing:
- A pair of baby blue jeans,
- A white tee with Vanity Smurf picture,
- black suspenders.
And some guys pulled the suspenders to see them slapping my pecs. Naughty!

The night was so much fun! I tried shot drinks called Wet Pussy (which the bartender renamed Big Dick for me. Hahahaha!) and Cock-Sucking Cowboy. They were sweet and delish!!!

I and Irina went back home like at 5am. Worn-out and drunken.

(more after the jump)

I Hate Goodbyes
- Rhys, the straight boy I once had crush on, went back to Europe to study human rights law in Berlin. I'm happy for him.
- Marcia told me at the party that he was taking a job offer to a town near Adelaide. This was something that he really wanted. I was conflicted between being happy for him, and being sad for losing him. And it's such a small town I wonder if he would be happy there.
- Vanessa moved to Sydney. He seemed very happy and I am happy for him. To me, Sydney is like the Emerald City, sparkling and full of life. I wouldn't mind moving there. While Melbourne is my homey Munchkin-town.
- Alessandra has been missing in action for quite a while. I'm unsure if he's in China or Oz. Marcia said Alessandra might have given up on us. I wonder why. I feel like I need an explanation.
- Ruby is moving to New York next year and I hope that he makes it BIG there.

I guess, if my friends move to bigger and gayer cities, I can rationalise that and support it. But if they move to much smaller communities which level of homophobia are unknown, I'd feel worried for them.

Malware Warning on my Blog
So, some time last month, I was shocked to see a malware warning when opening my blog. It looked like this:

I went panic. Apparently a blog on my blogroll links was infected with the malware. And when my blogroll displays the infected blog's title and most recent post, it made my browser show the warning.

After learning this, I was worried that other blogs that links to my blog would display similar warning. And it did! I felt bad because their blogs could lose visitors because of that warning. I rushed to contact the blog owners to remove my blog from their blogrolls until Google ensure that my blog was clear.

It felt awful, cause I thought some of them might be reluctant to link me back. However, I believed that it was the right thing to do. I hope that my responsible reaction would help me regain their trust.

My mistake was that I collected too many gay blogs I found while blog-walking. I didn't link male-model photos oriented blogs, except if they do have interesting original written content.

I was a compulsive hoarder. I once realised there were too many of them. So I created another blogroll consisting of my favourite blogs. I kept the rest cause I thought they might get more interesting one day (some of them do).

Finally Google acknowledged that my blog is free of harm.

Now, I need to cull the blogroll.

Big Drama
So, Irina had a problem with one of his neighbour on his floor. Let's call this guy Daisy. Irina met Daisy through Grindr, and surprisingly they happen to dwell on the same floor of our student accomodation.

I first met Daisy in Irina's room when Irina was preparing for his Britney Spears costume. Daisy looked like your average next door gay. Cute, slender, and smiley. He looked like someone I would want to be friends with.

So they quickly become close to each other. I thought they were together or at least were having casual relationship. And suddenly, it went bad.

Irina said Daisy went angry after he rejected his sexual advances.
Daisy said he wanted to have a suicide.
Irina lost his room key.
Irina found Daisy in his room.
Daisy returned the key saying he found it.
Irina lost his wallet.
Irina said he couldn't use the dormitory bathroom on his floor because Daisy has been harassing him there.
Daisy sent him tons of harassing messages to phone, facebook, and email, which were shown to me.
Irina had to change his phone number due to the persistent harassment
Irina said Daisy contacted Irina's friends and family on facebook.
Irina lodged police report and court restraining order.
Irina said Daisy lodged a counter police report and court order with fabricated stories.
Daisy kept knocking his door on midnights.
I got a facebook friend request from Daisy.

In short, it was messy.
I partly felt sorry for this kid Daisy. He must have been really lonely. He should go out and socialise. I'm sure he'd find better guys than Irina. I mean, Irina is just a regular next door gay guy. Well, probably that's his charm. Hehehe...

A week later, I went out for dinner with Irina, and crossed path with Daisy. He said to us, "Good bye Irina. Have fun with Grant your jerk-off buddy." Ewww... Why does he have to say such rude words towards me? I was a complete stranger to him. I was shocked.

After dinner, we came back home. Irina went to his floor, and I went to mine. An hour later, Irina called saying that he was in distress, and he asked me to come to his room.

He said Daisy was waiting outside Irina's room.
Daisy sent threatening messages, which he showed me.
Daisy sent an email asking "why did you attack me with your korean blade?"
I told Irina not to be worried with this made up story.
Irina found out that his arts & crafts blade (a stationery tool), which happens to be of a korean brand, to be missing from its plastic sheath. Probably stolen just like his wallet.
Shit. I was scared too.
Irina showed that Daisy had set up a fake email address using Irina's full name and sent him made up dialogues.
This is getting really creepy.

I was concerned for Irina's safety. So I called Ruby and asked if Irina could stay at his place over the weekend. On monday, the dormitory management would be back and hopefully things could be settled. I'm glad that Irina could stay somewhere safe away from Daisy.

I went back to my room. Checked facebook.
Trying to make sure that my privacy settings is good enough.
Found a message sent by Daisy about the things Irina said behind my back.

"By the way, You should probably ignore what [Irina] has said about me.

[Irina] doesn't even really like you that much. He talks shit about you all the time.
He always imitates your indonesian accent.
He tells people about the time you asked if he wanted to jerk off with you (he does this in your indonesian accent and says how gross you are and how he had to go straight back to his room) and does eyebrow imitations and adds an indonesian accent.
He always says to people that your 'type is [Grant]' as if to insult them that you are so beneath everyone.
Tells everyone you are a virgin.

He is really mean to you actually. I don't know why you are friends with him and invite him to go out with you...

You know that [Irina] has a HUGEEE crush on [Marcia]. He said not to tell you because apparently you had one on him. but there you go.

I actually believed Daisy. These all were the things that Irina would likely say.

I didn't know how this stranger could know so much about me.
1. How does he know that I haven't had 'it'? OK. No big deal that he knows.
2. That I had a crush on Marcia. Gosh. How could he know this? But really, it was never serious. And I am fine with Irina having crush on anyone including Marcia.
3. Wanting to have jerk off with Irina? I'm not sure whether this is made up by Irina or Daisy.
4. And all of those other jokes on me. That sounds like Irina's regular jokes on other people when he's with me. I could imagine him saying all those.

Actually. I'm fine with all that. Irina has always been frank about my animated speaking style, my walking gait etc. He wasn't the sweetest person in front of me either. I just believe that Irina never had any ill-wish towards me.

Next:
- Irina's Facebook account got hacked.
- Irina's account sent me Irina's private pictures.
- Irina can't be reached through his new phone number anymore, I got worried for him.
- Irina's account sent me another message:

"you might want to pass onto [Irina]'s face that it won't be getting better any time soon and every single person in his life will be receiving pictures of his cock and all hell is about to break loose unless he turns his phone on.

also, i will be outing you [Grant] to your entire family unless [Irina] does this."

Daisy is a terrible person. I thought this could only happen in movies. It makes me paranoid about meeting new people. Geez! Irina and Daisy had only known each other for about a month! He's a nightmare.

I'm Not That Innocent

2011-09-17T20:46:00.003+10:00

I'm not that innocent...

Oops, I'm Doing This Again.
It's Ruby's Annual Drag-Up Birthday Party again, and this time the theme is... Miss Britney Spears! Yay! Last year the theme was Lady Gaga and you can read my blog entry here.

I always wanted to do this since I was a 12 year old kid back in year 2000. What a dream come true! This look cost me close to $100.

PVC Look Red Catsuit from E-Bay $59
Long Blonde Wig hire from Rose Chong $33
Wig cap $4

I thought hiring a pair of red boots with heels would be great, but I'll stick with my already high budget. Dragging is a seriously costly business. Hehehe...

(more after the jump)

GAP Dinner
I had another GAP dinner with Bambi at Old Kingdom Restaurant, a peking duck specialist. GAP's dining out in the past had been mostly yum chas at Dragon Boat Restaurant, so this change is quite refreshing.

However, the attendance wasn't as large as usual. Even after 8 people RSVP-ed, it went down to 5 as 3 persons cancelled last minute. Bambi was frantically looking for people to join as he had pre-ordered 3 ducks to be roasted. Lucky Bambi could cancel one of the ducks. Guess what? Three extra people ended up coming, so the number was back to 8 and we had 3 ducks! Yay!

Every gaysian came with their white boyfriend. Well, except me and the last gaysian. Why was there no asian-and-asian couple?

Anyway, the dinner conversation was so funny, adult-rated, and LOUD. I loved all the jokes and puns exchanged that night. So witty and daring. Hahaha! We had a lot of fun, and went to Sircuit Bar afterwards.

Ok. Gotta get ready for the party!.
Can't wait to catch up with the other boys - Irina, Marcia, Estelle, Christina, and Dana.

Enjoy this video!

Britney Spears - Oops!... I Did It Again

"Oops! ...I Did It Again"

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I think I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby

[CHORUS:]
Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

You see my problem is this
I'm dreaming away
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist
I cry, watching the days
Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways
But to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Baby, oh

[Repeat CHORUS]

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

"All aboard"
"Britney, before you go, there's something I want you to have"
"Oh, it's beautiful, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"
"Yeah, yes it is"
"But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end"
"Well baby, I went down and got it for you"
"Oh, you shouldn't have"

Oops!...I did it again to your heart
Got lost in this game, oh baby
Oops!...You think that I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

Two Years

2011-08-31T23:17:00.014+10:00

Thanks for the Venetian Carnival Mask, Margie!

Margie just came back from his European holiday with his partner of 13 years. If they were a married couple, it could've been their second honeymoon. It's unfair that committed long-term loving relationship like Margie can't have a wedding date to celebrate and remember.

Shortly after their return, Margie had his thirty-something'th birthday. Yes, you're OLD, Darl! Hehehhe... He's like a gay sister I never had, so I gave him a nasty birthday surprise at the office. Oh, BTW, we are distant cousins in real life too.

Prominently displayed on his desk for his co-workers to see.

Scandalous birthday card deliberately placed out of envelope.

Naughty captions placed to make the sexy models speak.

Happy birthday, Margie! Have a fabulous one!

You know what else just had a birthday? This blog is now 2 years old. Whew! Time flies. Check these posts:
1st entry
1st anniversary entry

Not much has changed since last year, except now I'm out to all of my friends in Melbourne, and all of my colleagues.

I can't wait for my younger brother Edward to start studying overseas and tell all of my family afterwards. Btw, Edward is not coming this September. That means I can't personally come out to him yet.

(more after the jump)

Equal Love Rally, 13 Aug
This month I went to Equal Love with Jade and Piper. The turnout was huge.

I saw people waving small rainbow flags from Cabinet Bar's balcony, and a large rainbow flag drapped the balcony itself to support the passingby march. I should've taken a photo. It was spirit-lifting!

Cabinet Bar, 11 Rainbow Alley is my new fave bar.

GH Boylesque, 19 Aug
I went to see Boylesque at GH with Irina, Marcia, Ruby, Estelle, and Marcia's cute friend, Bonny. We arrived just before the first show begun, and was stuck at it's long and slow queue line. Apparently they have a strict guest number limit to adhere so it was one-out-one-in. We missed the first show and almost walked away.

Lucky we didn't. Cause the second show was worth the $15 entry charge. The performance was amazing! We met Michelle, Vanessa, and Jade in there. So much fun. Sadly GH had to close at 1am, way too early for a gay bar.

We continued our party at Peel Hotel. Crazy. Bonny started taking off his clothes. Damn, I couldn't resist touching his muscular torso. Gosh. Wild night. All of us took off our top at one stage. I've never done anything like that before. Hehehe...

Back Into the Closet

2011-07-31T23:58:00.006+10:00

Narnia isn't really my favourite fairytale...

"So have you got any girlfriend?", Harold asked as he sat on my bed.

I pretended I didn't catch it. I stayed silent as I put a bed-sheet on the extra mattress I borrowed from my neighbour. Harold, my older brother, was visiting Melbourne for a couple of days, and he stayed in my tiny cubicle for the weekend.

I was dead worried that he might trip over a dildo on the floor or found a stash of gay erotic magazines somewhere hidden under the mess. I am so used to seeing my own room that I wouldn't notice if a DNA poster were prominently hung on my wall. Lucky Irina gave my room an inspection and granted asylum for all my gay stuffs to his room.

"Do you at least have a female friend you get along well here?" Ouch! He's not gonna let me get away from this topic, is he?

"Umm... I'm very busy with work and my studies. I don't even have time for myself." Lie. I spend too much time with just me and my right hand. He-he-he...

"We're not gonna get any younger, you know?" He's got a good point. I need to set aside some money for plastic surgery, on the top of my surrogate baby savings I'm building now. And wow, I'm only 23.

(more after the jump)

"You're right. What about yourself? You're turning 27 this October." Finally I found a way to divert the question to himself.

"Well, I just haven't met the right one. I don't want to end up getting married with the wrong girl and fight everyday like Dad and Mum." Fiuh! great, now I can lead the conversation to being about our parents and away from non-existent love life...

I noticed how different I behaved when my brother was here. I'm already out to most of my friends, and out to all of my colleagues. This is like taking a step backward. I secretly wanted to blurt out, "I'm gay." and tell him all my life plans. Getting gay marriage, surrogate children, and live happily ever in a land far-far-away from home.

But I couldn't. Edward, my younger brother, is finishing high school in just a year. And I can't risk his opportunity to study here. Not now. Just one more year. I need to hold on.

Is it really for Edward's sake? Or is it just me who's afraid of coming out to my family? No. I'm not afraid anymore. I've got a full-time job, a decent savings, and my future is pretty secure here. Honestly, I can't wait to get the ball rolling. Tell them all. Battle for my acceptance. Start dating and introducing a boyfriend and stuff. I've got nothing to lose.

Coming Out to Family
Anyway, this September might be Edward's turn to visit me during the long holiday in Indonesia. He'd be looking at the colleges, and find out if he likes Melbourne or not. Mom or Dad might accompany him, or he might come by himself.

If Dad or Mom is coming along, I'd go back into the closet again. No big deal.
If he comes by himself, should I tell him that I'm gay?

I know nothing is going to be awkward. There's nothing strange about a brother and a sister living together. Harold and Roxanne, my older siblings, did. So there's nothing weird with a straight brother and a gay brother sharing a flat either, right?

I think I should tell him. He deserves to know if he's going to spend the next 4 years living with just me. So how do I do this? I think he knows already (actually I sense that everyone in the family knows).

If his reaction is positive, then it'd be great! I'd have an ally in getting my family to accept me as being gay. Then I'd have the chance to return some favour to my family by taking care of him. I can always save money for my surrogate baby much later on. I could even practice parenting (Read: Boss-ing) while he's around. HEHEHEHE... I think I'm going to be a tiger mother. HEHEHE...

If his reaction is negative, then, I'd rather know it before we stay together for the next four years. He might decide to study elsewhere (like Taiwan or Singapore) and that's still going to be fine. If he isn't going to study in Australia or a western country, I want it to be his own decision, not because my parents think Australia gave me a bad influence.

Whew! This would be the first time I tell a family member. Telling Dad I wanted to be a girl (early primary school), and telling Harold that I fancy men's pecs to ladies boobs (late primary school) do not count. I'm scared.

BTW, I don't have a dildo, and I don't put my DNA posters on the wall. Hehehe... My 'gay' stuffs consist of gay magazines, gay greeting cards, gay books, and other boring stuffs.

Party Animal

2011-06-20T23:59:00.025+10:00

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Exam's over! Yay! I've been going out partying hard every weekend. Even having cold for the whole week did not stop me. I need my gay fuel tank recharged!!!

Friday, 10 June:
- Lunch with Mortimer at Don Don. Congrats for the upcoming commitment ceremony!
- Went shopping at Borders Bookstore Closing Sale. Bought all gay-wedding cards it had on the rack. One is for Mortimer. So sad Borders is closing.

Saturday, 11 June:
- Morning run with Frontrunners. Made friends with Piper, a divorced gay guy who lives in Carlton too. I find his story amusing and he is a strong runner.
- Yum Cha with Gay Asian Proud. Bambi, a long time member of GAP who just came back to Melbourne took over Astrid's former role and organised the GAP meet-up. He's nice, very friendly, cute, and looks very young (despite being almost 10 years older than I). I think Bambi is a perfect nickname for him. ^_^
- Went shopping at Melb-Central, and bought a cute rabbit sweater.

Sunday 12, June:
- Movie date! X-Men First Class with a straight male friend. Corner back seat. Hehehe...
- Party at Sircuit and Peel with Dana, Marcia, Vanessa, Irina, and some of Dana's friends. Marcia told me that Alessandra had gone back to China. I didn't get any goodbye. Heartbroken. Went home at 4 AM. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

(more after the jump)

Monday, 13 June (Queen's Birthday):
- Laundry, clean-up, cook, and being domestic.
- Bought 8 sessions of Pole Dancing Class from Scoopon for $19. What a bargain!

Friday, 17 June:
- Drinking with Rhys, Jack, and other friends. Pear Cider, Red Wine, and Beer. Awful combination. We did not visit any gay bar that night.

Saturday, 18 June:
- Morning run with Frontrunners. Caught up with Piper.
- Went to The Xchange Hotel Closing Party with Marcia, Vanessa, Irina, Ruby, and Estelle. It was my first time at the Xchange Hotel. Had awesome night! So sad it's closing down. Went home at 4AM again. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Sunday, 19 June:
- Woke up for lunch with Dad's friend who's visiting Melbourne.
- Continue sleep all day long.

Speaking of Animals, I begin to like Ke$ha's music. Watch this:

Whew! I need to rest.
I've spent too much on drinks, dining, and shopping.
Gotta sleep now. (-_-)

The Curious Straights

2011-05-09T02:27:00.018+10:00

This is the story on how I figure out I love spooning

"Let's go gay dancing again this Friday night!", Rhys told me over a lunch. He just started a job which office is located close to mine, so we decided to catch up. "Uh no, I've got an exam coming up this June and I'm really not ready. Let's do it after June.", I replied.

This conversation brought me back to last October in 2010. I caught up with two of my mates I knew through an internship in an NGO. Let's call them Rhys and Jack. Rhys is a strawberry-blonde guy from Britain, and Jack is a brunette guy who moved from Sydney. Note: These guys are not gays, but they know I'm gay.

Anyway, we went pubs-hopping as usual, with some other ex-intern friends. They are very nice they always get Cider instead of Beer when I'm around. They know I dislike bitter beer but find sweet cider tolerable. I was actually avoiding alcohol because I was running Marathon on Sunday, so I kept my drinking to non-alcohols. Lame? Yes.

As the night passed by, our other friends went home. I felt like going back to rest for the upcoming run, but then they made a request I could not refuse: They asked me to bring them to a gay dance bar.

I was in disbelief. These cute straight boys want to feed themselves to a swarm of hungry gay folks, in a dark place with music loud enough to drown their scream-for-help??? I'll give them a taste. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

(more after the jump)

Drinks on me! I feel honoured to bring them as my guests. Still I ordered non-alcoholic raspberry cordial for myself.

We had great time at The Peel. Who knew Jack would know all the lyrics to old-school songs that the DJ played? I and him had a great time on the dance floor, dancing like no-one's watching. I think people thought we were a couple. That's why no-one hit on us until a guy tapped Jack and asked if I was his boyfriend.

Rhys sat on the bench by himself, watching us dance. Fool. Being alone made him the perfect preying target. He got hit on by countless guys. One offered him 'fun' and drugs. Finally he got it and danced with me and Jack.

These guys were very popular with the crowd. Hey people, I'm the gay one!!! I wonder if this was because they were caucasians and I was asian. Suddenly I felt a little bitter. Anyway, I had guests to entertain. They are very funny, they never fail to make me laugh. Rhys started his dancing routine: big fish - small fish - cardboard - box dance while Jack dance like it's disco in the 70's (or whichever era those shakes were invented). LoL!

The Guy Who Said Nothing
The only time I got hit was when I was sitting tired at this couch while Rhys and Jack was buying their drinks. An old guy came and sit on my left, he brought 2 Smirnoff Ice bottles and put one on the table a little close to me. I had no idea it was meant for me, it could be for his friend. He said nothing.

Just in case you were wondering...

Rhys and Jack came back and sat on my right side with drinks. Guess what? Rhys bought me... Smirnoff Ice too! I guess it was the most popular sweet drinks nowadays. Hehehe... I refused it cause:
1. I was refraining from alcohol for the marathon two days after.
2. Rhys and Jack were my guests in this gay domain.

However he insisted that I had a sip. So I only took a sip from the bottle Rhys bought me. The old guy became jealous I was sharing drinks with Rhys, but ignored his offer. Only when he pushed his untouched Smirnoff closer to me on the table that I realised this guy was buying me the drink. How could I possibly be sure the drink was really for me? He didn't say anything.

Anyway, I intended not to drink too much alcohol that night. So I kept silent. This guy 'accidentally' brushed my knee, and my reflex was to push it off. Suddenly he walked away from the couch grunting.

I felt bad. I didn't want to be rude and spoil anyone's weekend mood. But this guy didn't even speak to me, so how could I refuse his drinks politely, and just have a little bit of friendly chat? His age really did not matter. I have respect for senior gays, though I'm more attracted to guys my age.

Why the Racist Remarks?
We finished the trip very late. My feet were sore, I was hungry, and needed to carbo-load for the run. We went to a kebab place nearby. At 3AM, the only guests of the kebab house were visitors of The Peel like us. One guy recognised Rhys from the dance floor and tried to chat him up again. I went to order my kebab with chips.

After leaving the kebab-house, Rhys told me that this guy at kebab-house thought I was his boyfriend and made disparaging remarks about asian boys to turn Rhys off from me. It was sad. I have no problem with them approaching Rhys and Jack, but to thrash-talk a bystander like me? For my race? That won't make him look good either.

And BTW, why did people ask if Rhys-Me or Jack-Me were couples, but not Rhys-Jack?

Who's Taking Advantage?
It was still 3 hours before the first trams started running, and they had spent too much on drinks they didn't feel like getting a taxi. Guess what? We walked 20 minutes from Collingwood to my place in Carlton. Two drunken straight guys sleeping over at my place. Holy!

Ok! My place is extra-tiny. It's basically a 6x3m rectangle room. Just enough for my bed, my desk, my cupboad, a shelf, a mini sink, a towel horse, and my laundry basket with a walkpath in the middle. I pulled my inflatable bed for myself on that carpet path, and offered my bed for them straight boys.

Yep! Pretty much this tiny.

They didn't agree with the sleeping arrangement! Jack was too polite and he didn't want to takeover my bed. He insisted on sleeping on the inflatable bed, or else he would walk home. So I let him sleep on the inflatable bed. I gave him a pillow and a blanket so he'd feel warm.

Rhys was an arse. He didn't say nothing but lay like dead on my bed. He left some space next to him and invited me in as if I was the guest. I had no choice. So I slept next to Rhys. Fully clothed. I was facing away from Rhys to avoid him feeling uncomfortable.

In the dark, Rhys spooned me. Gosh! What was I to do? I actually enjoyed it. It was one cold dusk in the Spring, and his warmth felt so good. A while later and his left arm snuggled under my head pillow and his other arm wrapped over me to my chest. I was hard.

He occasionally rubbed his nose to the back of my head. I froze. Then he melt me when he breathe warm air onto the back of my neck. Gosh, I couldn't believe myself. It was the closest thing to sex I've ever had.

That moment lasted for about some two wakeful hours for me. How could I sleep? I was enjoying every moment of it, yet I couldn't move. If I moved, he might wake up and feel wrong, or he'd just change his sleeping position and not spoon me.

Finally he made that move and turned sleeping facing the other side. I felt upset.

8 AM. Jack woke up hearing the first bell of trams. He didn't want to stay longer for me to make a meal. So I woke up and led him to the door, and the tramstop. I wondered if Jack actually knew of Rhys's spooning-in-sleep habit, and if he insisted having the inflatable bed to avoid Rhys's molestation?

I came back to my room. Rhys was still deep asleep on the bed. I wonder whether I should sleep on the inflatable bed that Jack left, or come back to my bed with Rhys. I was weak and it was cold, so I chose bed with Rhys.

Feeling the movement, he woke for short-period and spooned me again. I was happy. This time I slept. Long. Happy. Tired. Blissful.

Flashback ends...
Here I am. I woke up cold this morning at the end of Autumn. Wondering what if such experience could have been repeated if I didn't refuse Rhys's request on last Thursday lunch.

I'm soooo taking them gay-dancing again after the exam. Jack has been keen on catching up as well.

Gay as Easter Bunny

2011-04-24T23:57:00.007+10:00

Happy Easter Guys!

I've been obsessed with collecting rabbit-related items lately. This Lindt Easter Chocolate Egg comes with a pair of bunny ears which is my third pair. I also had collected two rabbit necklaces and Easter Eggs in a basket with Peter Rabbit Plush.

I just can't seem to stop. There are some other rabbit-ems that I wish I had:
- FoundMadeNew's Spent rabbit necklace
- Sabrina Dehoff's Little Helpers - Black Bunny Mask necklace or its white version
- Picnica Bunny Tote Bag and Petlla Bunny Umbrella
- Somebunny Special Ring
- Rabbit Mask
and I could go crazy with this store.

My obsession with Rabbit stems from the animal being my Chinese horoscope. Dad is a tiger, mom is a chicken, Harold is a mouse, Roxanne is a tiger, I am the rabbit, and Edward is a dog. Rabbit is my totem. It's the animal symbol that is part of my identity.

I grew up reading Bobo magazine, Br'er Rabbit, Tawny Scrawny Lion, and Panku Ponk Comic. I didn't read Peter Rabbit, but I had a blue pencil case with its illustration. And there is no shortage of rabbit characters on TV cartoons.

Top 5 Gayest Rabbit Characters
Rabbits are cute, youthful, harmless, intelligent, and they are always HORNY! Hahhaha! It is no wonder that even though Rabbit characters are potrayed with different personalities, they all still look gay.

Thus the saying "Homo homini lepus": A gay man is a rabbit to his fellow gay men. They breed each others' brain out. LoL!

With so many gay-acting rabbit-characters, choosing the gayest rabbits was no easy task. Without further due, I present you my list of Top 5 Gayest Lepomorphs:

(more after the jump)

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No 1. Bugs Bunny, the Camp
There is no denying that Bugs Bunny is the campest cartoon character of all time. His cross-dressing portfolio ranges from Ballerina to Japanese Geisha, and the award winning drag performance as a Viking Girl at What's Opera, Doc?. Who else in the cartoon world could be gayer than him?

Suspected gay partner: Elmer Fudd

More news: Fans Shocked at Bugs Bunny Gay Revelation

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No 2. Duracell Bunny, the Gym Bunny
He is PINK. He wears singlet. And he is always seen weight-lifting. Enough said. He is the gay role model of all gym bunnies.

He is probably the most eligible bunny-chelor in the list. Athletic, sporty, full of long-lasting stamina (hehehe...), and has a penchant for wearing costumes like go-go boys. What's not to love about this boy?

He is NOT to be confused with similarly pink Energizer Bunny. That awful bogan impostor is straight.

Suspected gay partner: Always striving for perfection and someone who can match his stamina, Duracell Bunny's standard for partner is just as high as himself. So you only see him dating... pretty much himself, himselves, or an ORGY of himselves...

They just won't stop having sex, won't they?

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No 3. White Rabbit, the Posh
Dressed in waistcoat and carries pocket clock, the White Rabbit of Alice in Wonderland is one haute-coutured lepus. Yet, he doesn't wear any pants so others can "enter his rabbit hole" easily. Hehehe...

Suspected gay partner: March Hare

Brokeback Mountain in Wonderland.

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No 4. Rabbit, the Bitter Queen
If SpongeBob has Squidward, Winnie the Pooh has Rabbit. Rabbit loves gardening, and he is very meticulous, and is easily irritated. He also thinks very highly of himself, as he once told Owl "You and I have brains. The others have fluff." With friends such as a Bear, a Tiger, and a Piglet, he surely isn't the only gay in the ~~village~~ woods.

And I'm not the only one who thinks he is gay. Hehehe... Watch this:

Suspected gay partner: none. I bet he secretly lusts after Tigger. They would make a cute couple, won't they? LoL!

Awwwwwwww...

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No 5. Thumper, the Bi-Curious

Ok. Thumper isn't really gay. He made a bunch of thumping bunny babies in the movie. But, anyway, who didn't confuse Bambi as a girl when he was young? And young Thumper isn't as innocent as you might think. Hehehe...

Suspected gay partner: Bambi!

Notice how Thumper loves Bambi's bum? I guess Thumper actually got his name for being The-Humper. Hehehhee...

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And that is my top 5 Gayest Rabbit Characters. BTW, do you guys know that there is a GAY RABBIT GOD in China? Wow... Rabbits are really gay. Read here and here.

The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes

Other Rabbits You Should Know
Anyway, while searching for my shortlist of gay rabbit characters, I stumbled upon the following less-known rabbits which I think we should know. They might not be as gay, but they are still interesting. ^_^

1. Kevin Kindle of Kevin and Kell
The hunky rabbit who married a wolf-girl. He is one sexy rabbit daddy. Together they are raising 3 children: an adopted hedgehog-girl, half-wolf-half-fox son from Kell's previous marriage, and half-rabbit-half-wolf baby girl.

2. Cadbury Caramel Bunny
This tanned Bunny lady is so smooth and sultry! Take it eaaassyy...

3. The Velveteen Rabbit
This story of a Rabbit plush who wished to turn into real rabbit by the true love of his owner is the Little Mermaid / Swan Lake equivalent of children stories. Very touching.

For Your Rabbit Info Addiction:
1. Wikipedia's List of Fictional Rabbits
2. Electroshadow's Famous Rabbits in Cinema
2. Three Little Ladies's World's Most Famous Rabbits
2. Sinomazing's Famous Rabbits List

That's all, Folks!
Let me know who's your favourite fictional rabbits, and if you think they are gay. Hehehe...

Queer Books and Queer Films

2011-03-31T01:39:00.009+11:00

Me and MQFF Pocket Guide

The Only Gay Book in the Village
On 1 March I attended a talk show featuring 4 LGBT writer about what makes a book a gay book. The talk show was pretty interesting, one author fully welcomed the gay identity while another one tried to distance herself from lesbian author label.

The earlier author mentioned, Benjamin Law, really took my interest. Partly because he writes about his experiences growing up as a gay Asian in Australia, and on another side because he carries himself very well. He is currently working on a book called Gaysian, and he travelled Asia extensively for the work. He said that gay TV personalities were really big in Japan, and that India was experiencing its Stone Wall moment. At the end of the show, I bought a copy of his book "Family Law" and got him to sign it. yay!

This book was often mistaken as a legal studies book.

(more after the jump)

Here's a 50-minute video recording of the talk show, if you're interested.

Benjamin Law is adorable, isn't he?

Melbourne Queer Film Festival 2011
This is the second MQFF I attended, and I watched 3 movies again. Here are some brief summaries of the films:

1. Ticked off Trannies with Knives
Genre: Comedy Horror
Synopsis: A group of trannies got lured and bashed, and they wanted revenge.
Memorable scene: The part when the trannies girl-talk about relationship length diverted to True Colours lyrics. Veryy witty. Hehhehe...

This movie was exactly what I expected it to be: a Tranny version of Kill Bill. Strong girls (hehe...), fabulous hair and costumes, and lots of femme-fatale actions. I enjoyed everything about the movie, except when it gets too violent. The screening of this film was controversial as it was considered offensive by GLAAD.

And I loved that one character's name "Emma Grashun" is a pun of "immigration". HAhhaha! Funny how my choice of pen name "Grant" is also related to immigration. Grant, the immi-Grant. Hahhaha!

2. Loose Cannon (Mine Vangati)
Genre: Drama, Comedy, Foreign Language (Italian)
Synopsis: A gay guy wanted to avoid inheriting family business by announcing that he was gay at a family dinner. However, before he did so, his brother surprised the family by coming out himself and stealing his chance to be disowned.
Memorable scenes: An angry girl with awesome shoe pairs wrecking a parked car. A diabetic granny performing carbicide with lots of sweet cakes.

I chose this movie because my Dad runs a family business, and I really want to avoid having to continue his business. Good thing I have two brothers. It tickles my mind, "what if"...
Anyway, the movie was fun, except that it leaves the story hanging in the end. I hated when this happens. Did the disowned brother reconcile back with his family? Did the other gay son come out? Ugh!

3. Is it Just Me?
Genre: Drama, Comedy, Relationship
Synopsis: Blaine, a single gay guy found his perfect match Xander over online chatting room. Before they met up in real world, Blaine realised that he had been using his hot housemate's online profile by mistake. Worried that Xander might be disappointed by his looks, he arranged his housemate Cameron to act as him.
Memorable scenes: Shirtless Xander playing guitar in his room and being such a sweetheart. Xander's possessive streak seeing Cameron being groped while go-go dancing "Hey Buddy! What you're doing? Looking for change up his ass??"

I chose this movie because... Well, Xander (David Loren) is such an eye-candyyy!
And I kinda relate to Blaine. I don't write a column, but I do write about my gay life in this blog. I am also idealistic, looking for the perfect guy to marry. We both don't have gym buff bodies, but we run as exercise. And, we both haven't had 'it'.
Blaine and I are very different in many ways too. I don't drink coffee while he knows his coffee with many specifics for order. I only listen to popular and Top 40s while Blaine listens to alternative or old music.

I loved all three films I watched. Probably I should've watched more. I watched Ticked Off Trannies by myself, Loose Cannon with Franceska, and Is It Just Me? with Vanessa, Ruby, and Estelle.

Marching for Equality
I went to Equal Love Rally again last Sunday. This time, I walked the march myself among strangers. I wonder when will this fight be won. And when the option to marry is there, will I ever find the one to get married to?

Gay Wedding

2011-02-28T23:44:00.032+11:00

I'm trying to fit two themes here: Gay Wedding and Chinese New Year - Year of Rabbit

In Transit
So my story was left off as I hurried my way to the airport. I flew from Melbourne to Singapore then from Singapore to Jakarta, and I arrived 1 day before the wedding. The travel was pretty smooth.

I picked up perfumes I pre-purchased online at both Melbourne and Singapore airports. They are much cheaper without taxes and I was buying everyone a bottle each. Actually, I was only planning to buy for my mom and sister, but I found ones that would suit my brothers and ended up buying for the whole family. Now that everyone would get a bottle of perfume, I had to buy something else for my sister's wedding and my mom's birthday. So I bought 2 Tiffany silver necklaces for my sister and my mom at Singapore airport.

Sis's Wedding
My Sister's wedding was lovely. It felt pleasantly surreal, and I enjoyed every moment of it. It did make me wonder how My Big Gay Australian Wedding would be like. I'll discuss this further down below later.

Anyway, the wedding was organised in two major events: the wedding vow ceremony, and the wedding reception.

The ceremony procession followed a specific order. The groom entered the room, followed by his parents, then my mom with Harold (my older brother). I and Edward (my younger brother) did not partake in any role, so we were already seated on the front row.

Last to enter the room was my Dad with Sis. Roxanne looked divine and calm in her white bridal gown, while my brother-in-law in his tuxedo seemed goofy, restless, and anxious. My Dad handed over my sis to my brother-in-law, a symbol of passing the main responsibility of care and protection of the bride from the bride's dad to the husband.

The wedding speech, exchange of vows, and the part when they thanked both sides of parents was heartfelt. When my sister cried as she hugged my parents, I dropped my own tears and so did my brothers.

(more after the jump)

After the exchange-of-vows ceremony, we had a Tea Ceremony. This is the part of the wedding that is influenced by our chinese heritage. My sister and brother-in-law did not change their outfits to a traditional one. They still wore their modern/contemporary wedding attire.

Typical to most Asian weddings, the reception was attended my many guests. However, unlike those weddings where the bride and groom would not recognise many of the guests (as their parents would be inviting many of their business partners), my sister's wedding was rather private and personal. I guess the number was still in the hundreds, but I know almost 40% of the guests (the other 50% would be my in-law's relatives).

After the reception, we had wedding after-party at a club. My Sis changed to her black cocktail dress. As a part of the entertainment, my sister and bro-in-law drank alcohol on stacked glasses burning in flame. That was awesome! Btw, my brother and sister had previously never seen me drinking and dancing. Ah, those dance moves I rehearsed at The Peel, finally they saw it.

Bali Trip
After the wedding, I went to Bali with my mom's younger sister who lives in New York. She's a strong, single, and independent woman, and she is my favourite aunt. The two of us went to Bali as the rest of the family were too busy with work or school. Our trip to Bali was amazing, except that I got fever from throat infection on the second day. I ate too much fries, chips, and crackers.

Before flying to Bali, I googled information regarding gay life and activities in Bali. I saw a YouTube video about a gay resort in Bali, and several gay night clubs. I was curious and I wanted to visit those places. However, I was always with my aunt and I didn't feel like going since I got my fever.

Catching up with Andrea and Nancy
Andrea (Margaret's gay-best-friend) wanted some DNA magazines from Australia, so Margaret passed them in a secured wrap for me to be passed to Andrea before I left Melbourne. So I met him over a dinner with his boyfriend and passed him the package. It was great to catch up with Andrea again, and get to know how gay life is like in Jakarta.

Over our conversation, Andrea blurted that Margaret is living with his long-term partner, which I didn't know. Margaret always brushed off about his love life by saying that it was not the most happy story and he'd rather share it later.

Andrea had to leave early so he settled the bill while I and his boyfriend continued our dinner. Shortly after he left, Nancy arrived at the restaurant. She finished work a bit late that day as she had to entertain her clients with dinner. Nancy is a very sociable person and is always easy to blend with any new friends.

We continued our conversation to Starbucks Coffee close to the Mall's drive-in Atrium as my mom wanted to pass me my medicine and get keys from me. Surprisingly, Andrea's boyfriend met another gay guy who knew Andrea there. He joined the chat with us, and apparently he just visited Melbourne. I asked him which places he went to, and he replied "Subway Sauna". I blurted spontaneously "Oh! That's the one that Andrea visit too". Ouch! Andrea's boyfriend looked astounded, as if he didn't know if Andrea went to a gay sauna, and it made me feel bad. Hopefully I didn't ruin their relationship.

Chinese New Year
This Chinese New Year marks the start the Year of the Rabbit, which is my chinese sign. That means I'll be 24 years old this year. I hope things will turn great for me this whole year.

Being Back in Melbourne
I flew back to Melbourne the day after celebrating Chinese New Year and Mom's bday. I enjoyed my time in Indonesia. However, I honestly missed Melbourne when I was there. I missed... being in control of my life. I missed not fearing that other people knew I was gay. When I'm with them, I was closeted again.

Pride March
On the day I arrived back, Midsumma was still having its last day. I didn't want to miss it, so I went to its Pride March, although the march was already over. I met Vanessa, Irina, Christina, and Ruby. I had jetlag, was very sleepy, and I didn't stay long.

I can't wait to attend another gay festival to recharge my gayness. Too bad Mardi Gras was in Sydney and Melbourne Queer Film Festival was still a month away.

GAP Meeting
It has been long since Astrid left GAP and the group became dormant. Luckily, some members took initiative to hold a dinner event with members of Yellow Kitties (Asian same-sex attracted female group). I arrived an hour late for the potluck dinner, so when I came with my box of fried rice, most guests were already half-full. I tried others' dishes, and they were great. I met Vanessa again here.

My Big Gay Australian Wedding
Anyway, let's talk about the topic I've been dying to cover.

So I always wondered how my own weddings would be like. I mean, I can't model my gay wedding on straights' weddings. NO WAY I'M GOING TO WEAR A BRIDAL GOWN AND VEIL AND BE HANDED OVER FROM MY DAD TO MY HUBBY!!! Hahahhaha!

I want my wedding NOT to indicate who's going to be 'the man' or 'the woman' in the marriage. Not that it is wrong to assume any roles, but let's just keep the guests guessing. Hehehehe...

Drawing comparison to my sister's wedding, I think here are the major elements that would make big differences:
1. Gender Roles
2. Religious Ceremony
3. Location and Guests

1. Gender Roles
For lesbian couples, it's easy to replicate a hetero-normative wedding. Just put the butch in a suit and she becomes the groom. However, such thing is a little hard for gay couples to replicate. Since I'm not going to be a Drag Queen on my wedding day, I guess the groom-and-bride roles have to be modified in the procession.

I'm glad that there are resources out there to help us imagine the wedding ceremony. This video is my favourite.

Note that both grooms entered the ceremony room together at the same time, eliminating the rigid turn-taking which would lead to speculation of gender-roles. However, turn-takings are harder to avoid in some parts such as pronouncing vows, signing legal document, and wearing the wedding rings.

And there are some tips for matching grooms suits! Yay! I found this advice from gayweddingorganiser.co.uk to be very helpful:

"You can go for matching, co-ordinating or totally different outfits, we've seen great examples of all three. If you are very different heights or shapes, it may be better to avoid the exact match option. Having a common theme is a good option, perhaps you could have matching cravats and waistcoats but different style cuts on the jacket so that your shapes are flattered individually. You could also have that colour matcch the theme of the invites and decorations etc so that it all ties in together."

Moreover, there is this fashionable gay wedding shop BY in Barcelona, Spain, that offers a wide range of gay wedding suits. Santiago Porrero, the owner, said "the concept was to give the opportunities for guys the same possibilities as women... which is to have special outfit/suit for their ceremonies or wedding." See this video: Gay Wedding Store

2. Religious Ceremony
As a person of reason, I prefer my ceremony to be a civil one, instead of a religious one. I do however, want to avoid the business-like legal contract feeling at the ceremony. Ceremonies are meant to be beautiful, romantic, and heartfelt. In place of a priest, perhaps a good mutual friend of ours could be the marriage officiant.

This video shows light and humorous example of vows exchange: My Big Gay Wedding

3. Wedding Reception and Guests
Weddings in Australia and most western countries tend to be small and involves only closest relatives and friends. So I guess I will fly my core family, and perhaps my hag-of-honour from Jakarta to attend my wedding. I will also invite close friends I have in Australia.

I don't think I can hold a gay wedding reception in Indonesia. I can't imagine if such reception would be raided by religious extremists. If we do get to visit Jakarta (probably before honeymoon) probably we can hold a casual dinner with friends, but it's going to be very casual and small.

4. Other things
The Sex and the City 2 movie provided an ideal picture of gay wedding. Oh, I love the orchestra and all male choir in white suits. The altar and room decoration was wonderful. Even the booklet was pretty. I wonder how expensive it'd be to hold wedding with such arrangements...

Anyway, apparently "First Dance" is a common feature of weddings in western countries. This one looks fun:

This one is a great example and I think would be very hard to top:

Isn't that awesome??!! I should start choreographing my first dance moves!!! Hahhaha!

Opening 2011

2011-01-20T22:12:00.003+11:00

Midsumma Sunburnnnn!!! see the uneven tan on my arm?

Hi Guys,

I began New Year 2011 watching fireworks from the top floor of my residential building. Didn't end up going to dance party that Marcia, Vanessa, and Dana invited. Sorry!!! I was tired from work that day, and I couldn't miss posting an entry in December. I'd just hate to see the archive list jump from November to January without a December. Wanna start an OCD-anonymous group anyone??? hehehe...

BTW! I've been updating 2 blogs every month. This one is the blatant one. Honest and unashamed, yet semi-anonymous. The other one is polished and restrained. My siblings and friends read it.

I actually planned of going to the party after posting an entry. If only I could do it fast and quick. Of course it didn't happen. "End-of-year posts", in my 8 blogging years experience has always been the longest, the most-mellow, and the most-reflective of them all. They take ageees to write and edit.

And I felt a feeling I find no word to describe.
It's a combination of:
- Fatigue, as this year has been too full of struggles.
- Joy, as I am so grateful I found a job which enabled my stay in Australia.

This two feelings hit me at the same time. What word describes this feeling? Grace? Contentness?
I feel sad when I remember how hopeless I was... I feel so thankful when I found relief.

Anyway, after writing the end-of-month entry. I was deep in emotion and I didn't feel like dancing.

(more after the jump)

Diane
I stumbled upon Diane's profile over Fridae. Wide grin, and... is that picture taken on Melbourne Uni? Instant Connection!

When I was still a student, I have messaged other guys on Fridae who displayed photos with various Melbourne Uni areas as background. Intermezzo: Baillieu Library is the most common place to take a snap. I chatted with them, asked their coming out experience, family reaction etc etc etc... And even though I was still very anxious, they made me feel better.

Sent a message to Diane, complimenting his smile. I didn't expect any reply.
He replied, and he made the conversation lively by asking how I got my username (which was very very ridiculous, given I made that for an email account to sign up porn websites when I was like 15? Oh! My internet life began at 15)

Diane and I turned out to have sooo much in common. Third child in the family, with the same order of genders except he didn't have a younger sibling. And we have differing perspectives of coming out to our own families.

Weeks later, I was ready for my first time meeting a stranger from Fridae. He asked me if I had met other guys through Fridae. This caught me thinking... Wait, I met Marge from SameSame.com.au. Read this post. Marge was a very supportive figure over our conversation. I was at my struggling state at the moment and he invited me to a dinner and we turned out to be related by cousins. So technically, Diane wasn't really my first.

Also there's Joyce. A friend I made over my non-gay personal blog. He stumbled upon this gay blog and was quick to point the similarities. In layout, writing, pictures... He knew me online, before he met me in person.

I and Diane had lovely conversation that evening, and he did make some of his perspective clearer to me.

Midsumma
Summa-Summa! Melbourne has been rather rainy and gloomy these days. Australia (East Coast) has been poured with extra rainwater that it floods in three states, Queensland being the worst.

So I was expecting for at most a mild day. The weather was just okay and bright, so I went carefree and did not slap sunscreen. BIG MISTAKE. Melbourne's weather was classic. Unpredictable. It turned scorching hot and I went home as red as a cooked prawn. Ouchhh!!!

This was my second Midsumma Carnival. I was expecting the same level of fun. I kinda did. It's just that it isn't as surprising to me anymore. I had fun catching up with queer friends I've made in the past one year, though.

Met Jade with his new boyfriend. Dana had an awesome glowing tan and he was volunteering as health-survey usher. Very noble. Told him I wanted to volunteer for a gay-related cause too someday. Marcia, Vanessa, and Ruby started a picnic with homemade brule brownies (delish!).

Hillarious moment:
Dana: "I'm thirsty" (approaching the mat)
Vanessa: "Wanna Big Cock?" (as he pulled a 2.5 L "Big Coke" out of his bag)
Hahhaha!

Saw some other guys from Gay Asian Proud. Sadly, since Astrid left VAC, the GAP has been in vacuum. I would love to see it being revived. There's definitely a need for such a group here.

Anyways...

I gotta go now. My flight to Jakarta is in 3 hours. I can hear my Sister's wedding bell.

And oh!
My Gay Annual Resolution for 2011?
- To volunteer for a gay-related cause this year!

My Gay Life in 2010

2010-12-31T23:54:00.008+11:00

Reindeer kiss!

Merry belated Christmas, Everyone!

Just after Christmas, we celebrated Michelle's birthday at The Peel. Yes. That (sadly) Liberal-Party-Candidate-owned gay bar is still my favourite. I am not sure if Tom McFeely's stance is simply not supporting gay marriage, or is opposing gay marriage. Hopefully not the later. Anyway, Michelle now has a boyfriend and I find him to be very well-spoken. I also caught up with Marcia, Vanessa, and Dana.

Let's see how 2010 has been to me:
Summer
At the end of 2009, I wrote about virginity and wondered if I would still be a virgin by the following year. No surprises here, I still am. I still haven't had my first kiss, and I don't know whether I should be proud or embarrassed now that I am 23 years old.

Then I went to Midsumma Queer Festival in January. Its T-Dance was awesome! I met Marcia's friends, Ruby and Estelle there. I watched Sydney Mardi Gras on TV, and vowed that someday I'd attend the parade (and thinking of someday walking the parade).

Autumn
In March, I watched several movies at Melbourne Queer Film Festival with Franceska and Irina. My favourite was The Big Gay Musical. I attended Gay Asian Proud (GAP), and explored sauna and dungeon with Irina. Later, I also met Margaret, a real distant cousin who is also gay, and became much more busy with my exam.

Winter
In late June, I finally got a full-time job. I'm really grateful for this as this secures my stay in Australia. I flew back to visit family in Jakarta and returned to Melbourne. I became busy with adapting to work throughout the winter.

Spring
In September, I went to Ruby's birthday party in Gaga drag. It was so much fun! In October, I had my own birthday, a Gay Reunion with Y&G classmates, went to Vanessa's Miss Lotus pageant, and got myself an iPhone in November.

During the year I also attended a couple of same-sex marriage rights rally. Pretty much that's it.

I'll post something else soon on this blog. Time to watch the fireworks! Happy New Year Everyoneeeee!!!

gayPhone

2010-11-30T23:31:00.018+11:00

Me and my gayPhone

Hi guys, it has been more than a month since my last update on this blog. It's the last day of November and I just had to post an entry. Yes. I have that obsession of keeping once-a-month updates, yet I am also a terrible procrastinator...

Gaydar on a phone
Many of my gay friends had iPhone, and everygay I saw at Midsumma T-Dance (back in Feb) seem to be busy taking photos with their iPhones. I felt left out and I thought I was the last gay without iPhone. I finally got one now. Hehehe...

It is no wonder why iPhone is an essential device to every modern gay man. The rise of metrosexualism has eroded our ability to tell who's gay and who's not. Our natural gaydar is beeping here and there, only to find out hot guys in skin tight jeans and with plucked eyebrows to be straight.

Oh! Doomsday. Without the ability to find mating partner, the gay race would soon go extinct. Luckily, technology brings us salvation. Our electronic gaydar still won't tell if the guy standing 5 m in front of you is gay or not, but at least it can tell if there are other gays (who are also using the gaydar app) lurking in proximity.

Anyway, let's see what iPhone apps are available for us. I typed "Gay" on iTunes App Store, and here are some notable search results, grouped in categories:

1. GPS Dating Apps
1A. Grindr
Perhaps the most well-known gay app. This app allows you to see other users near your location, sorted by distance. Grindr application is replicated by various other gay social networking app.

1B. Established ~~Social~~ (Dating) Network Apps
Gaydar and DList were gay social networks that begun on internet. They now branch out to iPhone to utilise its GPS capabilities just like Grindr. Manhunt.net, the most popular gay hook-up network is also developing its app for iPhone and Android phones.

1C. Niche Apps
Scruff, Growlr, and Woof are basically like Grindr. Except that they are specifically targeted towards the Bear community. Recon is targeted towards fetish community

1D. Other GPS Dating Apps
Qrushr, Jack'D, Bender, Purpll, BoyAhoy, iDateGay and many others. Not much different to Grindr. They have fewer members and are not as successful as Grindr. Qrushr is available in Lesbian version.

(more after the jump)

2. Shopping, Lifestyle, and Travel Guides
2A. MyGayGo
Maps and lists gay-friendly business and gay events with GPS.

2B. Buy4Equality
Lists gay-friendly American companies and brands. I love the idea of avoiding business with discriminative employment practices or ones who made donations against gay rights. It'd be great if such rating is available in Australia. An app by HRC.

2C. OUT Guide
Lists gay bars, night clubs, etc in various cities. No Australian city is currently available. An app by OUT magazine.

2D. GayCities
Allows users to share their location and write reviews.

2E. Various Gay Tourist Guides
List and provide review gay hotels, bars, saunas etc.

3. Gay Magazines
Winq, Advocate, Instinct, Diva. Mostly paid-subscription magazine apps with Monthly charges for new issues.

4. Gay Radios
Queer FM, DanceGaytion, PrideNationRadio, etc... I've never tried these personally.

I haven't used these apps much. They were really interesting in the beginning. But I quickly grew bored. Perhaps this is because I haven't put my picture up and start hooking up with other users. I'm too pruuuudeee...

Vanessa de Vanilla
Update on Vanessa's bid for Ms Lotus crown: She got invited to the final round. Yay! Sadly, Vanessa had an exam soon after, so he chose to withdraw from the pageant. So sad. She brought fresh air into the competition. Anyway, I'm proud with his achievement.

Glee DVDs from Margaret
I got a birthday present from My-Sister-From-Another-Mister Margaret. It's a pair of Glee 1st season DVDs!!! I haven't had the time to watch it, but boy, I can't wait. I feel like I was the last gay to not have followed the series. I've seen some of its song video clips on YouTube. They are impossible to avoid as my friends, gay or straight, keep posting the links on Facebook. Hehehe... And I like it!

Oh! BTW, Margie told me I should've got myself a BlackBerry like he did. He said iPhones were kiddies toys. To which I retaliated "Thank goodness I'm not that old *as you*". Hahaha!

Running with FrontRunners
So I finally found the meeting point of the elusive Melbourne FrontRunners. Yep! More than a month ago before I ran Melbourne Marathon, I tried to attend their running routine, only to arrive late, or went to the wrong garden. It happened at least 3 times! Hahahha!

I was definitely out of shape. I had to walk after running like only 200m. It was a wonder that I did complete the full marathon just about a month ago. How could I be so out of shape just after a month???

Equal Love Rally with Marcia
After the running training at Botanical Gardens, I went back to city to attend Equal Love rally. Jade wanted to come but he couldn't make it. So I was there with Marcia. An activist invited us to be taken photographs of for same-sex relationship campaign material. Gosh, she must've thought we were a couple. Awkwarrddd... Hehehe...

Peel Fan No More
BTW, I was shocked to learn that the owner of Peel Hotel, my ex-favourite gay bar, is opposed to same-sex marriage. Outrageous! His position on this came into light after he ran for the Liberal Party candidacy.

Despite being in a civil union with his partner of 18 years, he (Tom McFeely) does not accept the term "marriage" because of its religious overtones.

"But what I do support is government recognition of all relationships," he says. "It's easy to say: I'm all for gay marriage. But in practical terms, what does that mean?

Source: The Age

Marriage is religious? What the hell? Tell that to millions of married atheists in China! Marriage is a social phenomenon, found among the non-religious tribes to modern atheists.

Religion does try to pose limits on every aspect of our lives. For example, a religion bans eating pork, another religion bans eating beef. But it doesn't make eating purely religious activity. Not even if it is customary to say prayers before meals.

Similarly, a religion defines marriage as something between a man and up to four women, another religion between a man and a woman. But just because it is customary to have wedding at places of worship, it does not make marriage a purely religious commitment.

Fine if you want yours to be called Civil Union or Registered Partnership. Don't label my marriage as religious.

The Day I Became Gay

2010-10-24T23:38:00.027+11:00

Birthday tiara and my purple clothes

Hi All,
So many things happened this month.

Celebrating the Day I Became Gay
Last year I started attending Y&G program, and the first day of the 6-week program happened to be on my birthday. So now, I just had celebrated both birthday and reunion with my Y&G classmates.

I started the idea to have a reunion (It was easy for me to remember our first day), but I didn't plan the reunion to be about me (I know, it's unbelievable. Hehehe..). So I kept conversation about my birthday at minimum, though some of them remembered and greeted me happy birthday.

To which I jokingly replied "Thank you! Today I'm celebrating the day I became gay". Which had a double possible meaning:
1. I became gay when I started attending the Y&G program. (1 year ago)
2. I became gay when I was... born! (23 years ago)

Actually, I have no idea the exact day I became gay. Was it my conception day (The day Dad and Mum did 'it', resulting in my inception)? Or was it when I hit puberty? Which I can't tell a date. Let's not discuss about this too deep. Hehehe...

Anyway, we had our old classroom back, and I was happy that most of us were present. There were me, Marcia, Adrianna, Vanessa, Dana, Jade, Jasslyn, and Michelle. Sadly Patricia, Alessandra, Franceska, and Janice couldn't make it.

Because the catch-up was not too organised, everyone ended up bringing food to the meeting: BANANA bread, FRUIT salad, chocolates, Tim-Tam biscuit, soft drinks, and GOLDEN GAYTIME Ice Cream. Yeah, so gayyy. Hehehe... And being the pigs we were, we still had the space for some pizzas. But Nah! We didn't 'eat' the Pizza Delivery Boy. Hehehe...

It was good to hear what everyone has been doing for the past one year since we 'graduated'. Some of us went back to uni, some of us got jobs, some became freelancers, some went through several relationships, one went to a UN-sponsored conference, one won big bucks from online poker play, one became an officer at Young Bucks, and it was all interesting. I wish I could hear how the other 4 have been doing. I'd like to let them know that I am open minded and support what some of them did.

I was surprised and excited when Vanessa told us that he was entering Ms Lotus competition, a Melbourne-based Asian Drag Queen Pageant. His stage name was... Ms Vanilla! I'll write some more about her after the jump.

Oh! BTW, I was caught off-guard when Marcia suddenly came with a cake with sparkling candles. I thought it was to celebrate the reunion, but people were singing "Happy Bday" and I just can't believe it was for my birthday. The surprise didn't end there. When I made the first slice... I could see a mix of rainbow colour. Wooow! Thank you Marcia and Ruby for making such a fabulous cake! Whew! My vocabulary is getting gayer and gayer. Maybe just for this blog. Hehehe...

(more after the jump)

It Gets Better
BTW, I feel sorry for LGBT teenagers who took their own lives after the bullying. It is sad that LGBT teenagers are 7 times more likely to commit suicide than their hetero peers. This isn't surprising, afterall, almost all school bullying are homophobic slurs, whether they were targeted towards LGBT teens or not.

I do remember thinking about suicide a lot when I was a teenager. However, I'm glad that I didn't have the gut to take my own life. Back then I set myself deadlines to stop being attracted to guys. The term 'deadline' could not be more appropriate, given what I was thinking if I failed to achieve it.

In junior highschool, the deadline was Year 3, which was the last year before senior highschool. I failed. I set another deadline and it was at the end of Year 1 senior highschool. I failed again, renewed my goal to end of Year 2, and end of Year 3.

I was crushed everytime I finished each year still feeling attraction to guys, and none to girls. I remember crying and zoning out in the shower at end-of-academic-year school holidays. Every year. Lastly, I set age of 20 as my deadline.

By the age of 20, I was in Australia. I was wishing I could at least be bisexual, marry a woman, live a lie, and suppress same-sex attraction. Then I watched Two Dads and Two Babies, found dream, and never looked back. If I were still in Indonesia, probably I'd still be depressed and renew deadlines year by year, and I'm not sure at what birthday I'd be too sick of failing, and take my life.

Out at Work
That is why I am very sensitive at homophobic slurs such as "That's Gay" or "That's such a pain in the ass", even when said with no intention to demean gay people. To me, saying such slurs are acts of condoning verbal bullying that occurs around the world in every language.

And yes, I believe Stephanie Rice's "Suck on that, Faggots!" deserved her loss of Jaguar sponsorship. It was mild compared to loss of lives of teens who put little value in their lives because of such demeaning words. Having said that, I don't think she is a bad person. I just think she is less educated/aware of the issue. And I'm happy that she apologised, she can have the sponsorship back, but that's up to Jaguar.

Now, my own working senior is a great guy. He is a very caring and nice person, but he said those slurs occasionally. I was always taken aback, but I said nothing. This bothered me a lot, because I would definitely shun my friends who said such words. Was it because he is a colleague? Or was it because he was more senior than I?

I spoke to him about the issue. He apologised, and asked if I wanted him to escalate the issue to higher management or if anyone else had made me feel uncomfortable in any way. But no, I just wanted him to be aware of the issue and be more careful with his words. So yeah, that's my first coming out at work.

What happened that I became so agitated? Is it the recent anti-teenage suicide campaign by Dan Savage? Is it because National Coming Out Day (11/12 Oct)? Is it because of my birthday? Maybe a combination of those.

Vanessa de Vanilla
On Wednesday 20th October, I went to Heaven's Door club to support my friend Vanessa as Ms Vanilla. I had no idea that Vanessa would be comfortable wearing and performing in girls outfit. I remember we once went shopping and he wanted to try girls skinny jeans because he couldn't find a men's piece that fit him. Yep! He's that skinny.

After seeing some other contestants with their sparkly traditional costumes and make-ups, I felt worried that inexperienced Ms Vanilla wouldn't be able to match them. But I was wrong. My baby was one of the prettiest roses among the bunch. She wore a pink silky Ao Dai (traditional Vietnamese costume) and she didn't overdo it. Her answer to the introduction question was also funny. She said she entered the drag competition because next year he wanted to grow muscle so he wouldn't be as feminine. Hehehe...

Then came the Performance round where the drags would dance and lip-synch to fierce music. The round was intense. Again, I thought that shy Vanessa wouldn't be able to pull out such dances with gyrating hips and you-know-whatever-drags-in-heat-do. Hehehe... Well, she was different. She was the only contestant that didn't show too much skin or cleavage and she awed the juries with a graceful Vietnamese Fan Dance. She brought Class into the competition. So proud of her! I really regret forgetting to charge my camera's battery.

She was beautiful. It's the camera that was lousy...

After that, I became confident that she had a real chance to get to the final stage. I'm looking forward to the announcement. My favourites are Ms Vanilla of Vietnam (of course!), Ms Lavida Loca of Malaysia, and Ms Maria of Philippines.

Cheers!

The Woman in Us

2010-09-18T20:01:00.009+10:00

Ra Ra-ah-ah-ah. Roma Roma-ma. GaGa Oh-la-la.

I'm going to Ruby's bday party at his house (Happy birthdaayyyy!), and the dress code is Lady Gaga. yay! I went gaga trying to plan for my costume and this is what I come up with.

Platinum blonde wig from HairWarehouse $30,
Fake leather gloves from JaysJays $10,
3D Movie sunglasses (got it from watching a 3D movie long time ago)
Blue swimming brief (I had this since around I was 13ish. Still fits. Yay!).
Blue t-shirt to match the brief (bought it months ago from JayJays)

This was what I was trying to achieve:

And I failed miserably. Hahaha!

I thought of buying high heel shoes to complement the look. But hell, buying the long-hair wig was already a mental challenge... I can't imagine asking store assistant for a pair of highheels that fits my footsize and bring them to the counter in public. Awkwarrdd. Hahahaha! And it's too much to spend for just one night fun, even the cheapest pair at Target was like $40 (seeee? I almost dared myself!). So I'm just going to wear my black guy-sporty shoes. LoL!

BTW (off the topic) I love JaysJays. They are cheap, fun, rebelious-cute, and colourful. And did I say cheap??? I recently bought 3 pairs of skinny jeans in the colours of baby blue, red, and purple for $30 each pair. Not sure if I'll be confident enough to wear them in public, but they are fun to have. Verrry camp, daring, and I-don't-care-if-you-don't-like-the-way-I-look fun kind of way.

I have tons of t-shirt from JaysJays that perhaps I never wear out, one of which had text printed "I don't need a tee shirt to tell everyone I'm gay". I'm still not bold enough, YET. Hehhehe...

Back to topic. I'm NOT going to walk out and hail a taxi in this. I'm afraid I'd get ~~kid~~gaynapped and raped by a taxi driver. HAHAHAHHA! I'll just bring these accessories to Ruby's house and then get dressed there. BUTTT, I just got a message that apparently Ruby wanted all of us to get out of his house fully in drag to a gay club afterwards. Holllyyy Mollyyy.... I can't wait to see how Marcia and Estelle are dressed up as. Hopefully I'm not going to be the only drag in the party. Hahahha!

(more after the jump)

Gender Bender
By the way, I think this is the perfect time to discuss the issue of cross-dressing and transgenderism.

First of all, I'm pretty sure you are aware of the difference between sexuality and gender identity. Rigghtt?
- Sexuality mostly is about what we like for sex (eg: I'm attracted to guys)
- Gender identity is about what gender we feel we belong in (eg: I'm a woman, or I'm a man)
Hence, it is possible for a male to identify as a female transgender, yet is sexually attracted to women. And he considers himself as a lesbian. Weird? It happens.

Secondly, there are some people who don't consider themselves to be woman/transgender, but do cross-dress for fun. Some do try to achieve the look of real women, while some others do it while sporting beard stubbles and arm muscles. Some even take crossdressing seriously as a job and perform drag shows at gay nightclubs.

Me and My Gender
Anyway, I remember that when I was a kid (like 5 to 10 years old), my Dad asked me if I wanted to be a boy or a girl. My answer: A GIRL! I thought girls had more fun. They could wear skirts, high heels, and bra, grow long hair, paint their nails, and use lipstick. And they can wear boys clothing too, but not vice versa. Unfair, I thought.

Those days I diligently prayed that God would turn me into a girl. Of course it did not happen... Along came puberty and I begin liking guys. At this age, I was more intelligent enough to know that I wouldn't just morph into a girl. I half-heartedly accepted my body and I tried being a good boy, and my prayer changed so that I won't be attracted to guys.

Years later, I fully embrace my male body. I even did push ups to build my pecs. Yesss, when I was young, I told my older brother I liked pecs not boobs. I was a naive and honest boy. I wished that my attraction to athletic guys were actually a desire to become them. Of course I was wrong.

Nowadays, I'm happy to identify myself as a gay. I go to gym to form my body (esp pecs. HAHAHHA) knowing that there will be guys I like who like the way I look.

So who/what am I?
Am I a homosexual?
Am I a transgender (pre-operation)?
Am I a cross-dresser?
Am I a combination of some?

Humm... I guess I'm just gay. Hahhaha!
I don't identify as a woman, I don't ask to be referred as "her", I'm not planning to have gender reassignment surgery, and I'm not going to dress like this everyday 24/7 like transgenders do.
I'm not going to do this regularly and spend big bucks on girl clothes like crossdressers or drags, but I might do this again in the future. This is actually the second time I wear wig and impersonate women (the earlier was at Highschool CHURCH drama when I acted as Potifar's seductive wive. LoL!). Well, maybe I'm an occasional cross-dresser, though I haven't got a plan to dress this way again in the future.

Last Words
Just some statements I have to make:
1. Not all gays are like me.
2. Transgenders may have different/similar experiences from my "want-to-be-a-girl" phase, and the fact that I didn't turn-out a transgender doesn't invalidate transgenderism.
3. I support every individual's choice to identify as gay, transgender, crossdresser, neither, or even a combination of those.
4. I'm sad that transgenders face some of the most severe discrimination from mainstream community, and even within LGBT community. I want people to be open minded enough to let others be who they want to be.
5. I love that there are many shades and sub-cultures of LGBTs, and I don't have to stick to just one. I can be a bear grow beard and wear leather on some days, be a clean-shaven twink with fashionable clothes on another day, an athletic jock or gym bunny on some days, and of course do drag on some days. HAHahhaa!

If you want to gay-ducate yourself on this issues, I recommend watching:
- The story of Kim Petras (was Tim Petras) on Youtube. She's beautifulll!
- Priscilla Queen of the Desert.
- Cut Sleeve Boys.

Off to the party!

One Year

2010-08-08T23:35:00.012+10:00

Happy first anniversary to this blog!

Whew! I can't believe it has been one year since I started this blog. I can still vividly remember that day. My graduation day, Dad and Sis came over to Melbourne to attend my ceremony. Last minute blog publishing. The hotel they stayed in, the conversations we had, all still strongly visual on my mind, as if it happened just a month ago.

Let's see the difference between the person I was and the person I am now.

Grant, 08/08/2009 (last year)	Grant, 08/08/2010 (today)
- Just graduated with a Bachelor degree	- Have passed CFA lv-1
- Was still on an international student visa	- Am now a Permanent Resident of Australia
- Just finished uni and jobless	- Have had a part-time job, volunteering job, and just recently got a full-time job
- Out only to Nancy	- Out to a handful of friends, and newly made gay friends
- Knew no gay people	- Know gay people from part-time job, volunteering, gay counselling, and gay social network
- No gay community experience	- Have been to gay bars, a gay sauna, Midsumma Festival, Queer Film Festival, watched Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras on TV, rallied for Marriage Equality, joined local gay social societies, listened to local gay radio, visited gay bookshop, maintained a gay blog. Whew... The list could be endless...

(more after the jump)

Next 2 Years Target:
Develop my career. I need stability and independence.
Develop a circle of reliable friends in this new place.
Help paying my younger brother, Edward, to go to college in Australia.
Be out to family. This is inevitable.
Be out in the workplace. No more just "no" when asked if I had a girlfriend.
Be completely out. Nothing to hide.
Contribute to the gay community. Perhaps be a volunteer to Y&G.
Get a boyfriend before reaching 25 years old.
Attend Mardi Gras. Live!
Attend Singapore's Pink Dot. With family.
Develop my blog. Writing style, frequency, pictures, theme and purpose.
Meet fellow gay-blog bloggers.

Long Term Target:
Get a house.
Marry a husband.
Get babies and raise them.
Travel gay worldwide. Visit gay places, events and parades.
Board on a gay sea-cruise.
Keep this gay blog running and sharing my gay-life experience.
Or consolidate it with my personal blog without being anonymous.

I'm glad that I have hope for my future.

BTW, Congrats California!
This victory is a reminder that Democracy is not tyranny of majority.

July Journey

2010-07-31T23:25:00.015+10:00

Irina said this scarf made me look gay. LoL!

Home
At the end of June, I finally got a job offer. I haven't visited Jakarta for more than a year, mainly because I was afraid that if I go back to Jakarta before getting a job here, my family wouldn't let me return to Melbourne. Now that I got one, I wanted to pay homage to my dear parents and siblings.

After receiving the job offer, I only had two weeks before it started. So, my vacation home was sudden, short, and unplanned. I got a pricey air-ticket, which flew me from Melbourne to Kuala Lumpur before sending me to Jakarta and vice-versa. There was no better choice. It was either going home with a price, or none at all. I couldn't complain. My life was just on a super-happy-mode.

On Melbourne to Kuala Lumpur
The flights have been more interesting than the vacation itself. At the long and slow check-in queue for my flight from Melbourne to KL, this cute chinese-malaysian boy kept flirting at me. How could he knowww???

I paid a quick check on myself.
Zara skinny jeans -> check.
Purple polo shirt -> check.
Politix-scarf-that-my-friend-Irina-told-me-looked-so-gay -> check.
Zara jacket -> check.
Fair enough. I must looked really gay that day. I didn't intend to. My preparation was rushed and I didn't spend much time to choose what to wear. Either my whole wardrobe is mostly gay (and I have too many Zaras), or I make the most gay choices when I have no time to think. LoL!

But one thing that was really unintendedly gay wasss... My suitcase's RAINBOW band, put on by Dad to differentiate it from other suitcases!!! And it was put on by my Dad, not me! Hahahaha!!!

Nothing further happened on above the sky. No mile-high-club thingy, although I once fantasized about it during the boring 8-hour flight. I didn't want to get an international criminal record on public indecency. Arriving at the KL-airport, we parted our ways. I had a flight to Jakarta to catch. If this guy goes back to Melbourne, maybe we'll cross our paths again.

(more after the jump)

Days in Jakarta
I didn't do much in Jakarta. I was only there for one week, so I dedicated most of the time to my family. Mom tried to feed me with whatever food she believed I would miss, or wouldn't find in Melbourne. Pretty much none, but Mom knew my favourite. Yep, she cooked me deep-fried prawns for 3-days straight and I gained 3kgs within a week. Hahhaha!

Other than that, she pimped me with Zara. Got two new jackets, and Dad wasn't too happy about it. At least he beat mom by buying me plentttyyy of business shirts that costs about A$10 each before I arrived. He's a true bargain hunter and despises brand names. Mom almost started a domestic war by buying me a pair of leather shoes, and a braun buffel leather briefcase just before I leave Jakarta. If only I could ask her other leather stuff... HAHAHAHHA!

I met Gavin, my sister's fiance, for the first time. He was a funny and a simple guy. He pulled pranks on my sis at our family dinner and that was cute. It was all good until Edward expressed his interest in joining a gym close to his school. Gavin said, "but I heard that place is full of gays." Uh no... Is he homophobic? I'm just glad that my younger brother didn't seem to be one.

Harold is now working with Dad. He showed me his work around the factory and it was interesting. With his help, Dad is now able to spend more time doing what he loves. I'm glad that everything works out really well for my family.

I also caught up with Nancy, even though she was also about to visit Melbourne the week after. I also met Chris, my junior high school bestie who aspires to be a politician. He was on a good track, just started his career as a legal junior for a state-owned company. I wonder if someday he would be a public figure, and how having a gay close friend would affect his career.

On Jakarta to Kuala Lumpur
My vacation time was finally up. My family sent me to the airport. I'm visiting Jakarta again in late-January next year for my sister's wedding.

On my flight to KL, I sat next to this suave middle eastern medical professional. He was pretty chatty and showed his portfolio of work. He makes dental prosthetics and they look so real that no one would notice that they were man-made.

He asked me what my religion was, an unusual question to ask a stranger. I told him that my parents were Christians, and that I didn't believe in one, but that I did have respect for people of faith. He explained that he was born in Iran, grew up in Germany, and then travelled the world for work. He emphasised how Iranians didn't like to be associated with the Arabs, and that Iranians were fire worshippers before arrival of Islam.

Anyway, he said he loved Asia he's been to all over East and South-east Asia. He said I didn't look like a typical Indonesian. This part flew so smoothly that I felt like he had already known much about Chinese people in South-East Asia. I mean, he's been to Malaysia where there's more Chinese population and the racial segregation is more pronounced so he should've known well about the issue. It felt like he was only letting me to do some talk to balance the conversation topic.

Everything was ordinary until he told me I had a beautiful smile. He said it was unusually beautiful, despite having seen many teeth as he worked in the dental aesthetics industry. He also suggested to meet up someday to take photographs of my smile, and maybe more. He quickly explained his interest in examining physical differences of people of different races.

He told me he also loved rock climbing. Once, in Jakarta he climbed a wall without safety harness because he was so skilful, and that he took off his shirt before climbing. A lot of people was watching him, and he said it could either because he was without safety harness, or because he was shirtless. He said he exercised regularly, and asked me if I do. Well, I said I tried.

He also asked me if I go to saunas, which I said I didn't. My gay-bell ringed an alarm. Somehow he later told me his encounters with gay people while implying that he was not. Probably he wanted to see my reaction to find if I was homophobic. Somewhere along the conversation, he said he didn't like Iranian government, and I finished his sentence about Ahmedinejad's comment about "no gay in Iran" statement.

Suddenly I got the idea that he was gay (or at least bi); that he was interested in me and tried to impress me; and I got what he meant about taking my photographs at his place. Doohh...

The conversation got a bit cooled-down and he said how he felt rewarded being able to see great changes his clients' lives. He once created other artificial facial parts for a young girl whose face was badly disfigured, and how she regained a lot of confidence. I was in aweeee... This is the part when he successfully wooed me. Guys who are passionate about charity work are very sexxy!

In the end, againnnn... I had a KL-to-Melbourne flight to catch up, and we didn't exchange contact details. This guy was interestinggg..

GAP
I was tired after more than 12 hours of travel, but I missed being among gay people too much. A few hours after arriving in Melbourne, I attended GAP's monthly meet-up over yum cha. More people came to this meet-up than the previous one that I attended. Astrid introduced me to a number of other GAP members, and guess what? My Y&G mate Vanessa was there too!

The Job
I'm very happy with the new job. Going to office and actually working felt surreal. Moreover, Da Jie's office is very nearby, so I can go to lunch with him during the breaks. The only thing that I'm concerned, is that I'm still on a 3-month probationary period. I don't want to celebrate too early. Wish me good luck, guys!

Sister and Nancy Visit
My sister and her fiancé visited Melbourne just after my first day at work, Nancy also came on the same day. So I had to juggle adapting to new job and entertaining them. Both of them stayed in Melbourne only for about 3-4 days and I wish they stayed longer so I could spend the weekend with them.

Anyway, I went to Movida with Nancy and other former classmates. It was fine, though I didn't find anything great about it. And I treated my Sister and her fiance a dinner at the Colonial Tramcar Restaurant. Whew, it put a huuuuge hole on my wallet, but I couldn't not do it. My sister was getting married, so I gave her a piece of my dream. YuP! The restaurant is my dream date location to get proposed (or to propose). It worth every cent it costed.

Years ago before I really saw what it was like inside, I imagined there were violin players inside the tramcar. I joked to Nancy what if the tram suddenly pulls a break and a violin bow hits a guy who is proposing with a diamond ring, and it falls outside. That would be hilarious.

Melbourne Run with Jewel
I ran the 5km event at Melbourne Run with Jewel. Charles, Nancy's ex, was also there running the same distance.

Taking Shirley to a Gay Bar
I finally took Shirley to a gay bar. She told me she was curious what gay bar was like quite a long time ago, but I had always been busy and didn't go much to gay bar myself. Finally everything worked out, and I took her to Peel meet Vanessa with his good friend, and Marcia with his new boyfriend.

She wore a Michael-Jackson-inspired jacket with golden beads, which looked really gay and I loved it. I love gay-looking outfits. HAHahhaha! I should've dressed up better to match her looks.

There was a group of girls dancing in their own circle, which I think were lesbians since a couple of them look very boyish with short haircut, while a few were feminine. One of the femme girl was actually hitting on Shirley. LoL! She introduced herself to me, but of course she was more excited when I introduced her to Shirley. LoL!

We had a great night and I can't wait to party again. Hehehe...

Lastly
Argentina legalises gay marriage. YAYYYY!!!!

Bitter Sweet June

2010-06-30T20:57:00.024+10:00

They said life was like a box of chocolate

This month is rich of flavour.
First week was spent studying and sitting CFA exam.
Second week, this gay blog was discovered by an old blogging-fellow.
Third week, I met a new friend whom I share a lot in common with.
Fourth week, I had job interviews.
And on the fifth week, I got a job.

Frustrated at First
I was getting very frustrated at job hunting. I had some interviews but they were not successful. I also spoke to my university's Head of Department to ask my chances for an Honours year and found out that while I would be eligible to apply, my chance was pretty slim. I was running out of cards to pull from under my sleeve.

I was tired. My other friends all had great jobs (except those who were still studying for Honours program) and started becoming quite busy. Yet they still provided time to follow up on me and encouraged to keep my head up. I'm very thankful of their support. I also owe my strength to my floor neighbours who studied together with me, cooked for me, and listened to my rants. I was a mess.

I'm unsure if having a CFA exam during the time was an extra burden or a blessing. On one side, it adds burden of studying, but on the other side, it keeps me busy and sane. I guess it was more of a blessing. With a CFA exam coming, I had a reason to stop applying for jobs and forget my interview failures. And I wasn't under pressure to pass the exam.

After sitting the exam, I felt out of track.
What did I wake up every morning for?
What was I going to do the day after, or the week after, or following month?
I had no idea, and the uncertainty scared me.

(more after the jump)

Found
Aside this blog which I use to share my gay life, I do keep another personal blog since highschool. And through that personal blog, I socialised and got to know a couple of fellow bloggers. One of them was also an Indonesian student in Melbourne, let's call him Joyce. This month, Joyce stumbled upon my gay blog.

He instantly recognised the way I decorate my blog and my writing style. Whew, I just realised that I had a distinctive style of my own. He asked me if this blog was mine, and I acknowledged it. I was curious how he found this blog. Soon, we began to chat more, and arranged for a meet up around the town.

He was also gay, but he chose not to make a big deal out of it. Somehow, he never was in a state of denial when he was younger. He always accepted the way he was and his passion for other guys, even though he is not completely out to other people.

I asked him a lot of questions such as how was it like to be gay in Jakarta, growing up, parents, love life etc. I just couldn't believe there were gay bars in Jakarta, and hearing it from a boy of my age who went there as a teenager just... wow. I'm at loss of words. So young yet very adventurous.

Big Sister
I have been chatting with a guy on Samesame.com.au for quite a while. Let's call him Margareth. He first greeted me cause he found my profile picture with Big-M milk carton interesting. After a couple of chats, we decided to catch up over a meal. Back then, I was a little busy with studying, so I arranged to meet him after exam was over.

He turned out to be a great guy and we shared a lot of things in common. We both grew up in Jakarta, share chinese heritage, studied accounting, and once worked in Singapore. He did work in Singapore for a number of years, while I only had a brief internship there. I was planning to move to Singapore if I fail to land a job here, so I felt like consulting to him.

He shared his stories and great sisterly relationship with this guy Andrea. They first met through Utopia Gay website about 15 years ago. And Andrea was visiting Melbourne that weekend. Andrea works in Indonesia, so I could ask him how was life like working in Jakarta and being gay. Marge and Andrea call each other Da Jie and Xiao Mei, chinese terms for Big Sister and Little Sister. And now I call Marge "Da Jie" too. Hehehe...

Later on the same week, Andrea arrived in Melbourne and we showed him the city. I asked him questions similar to those I asked to Joyce. I wonder what is it like to live as a gay in Jakarta. He told me he didn't go and meet other gays in Jakarta, but he does whenever he visits other cities for either work or travelling. His adventures outside Jakarta were amusing. He really should create a blog like this so I can follow his story.

A Dream Come True
Finally, I got a job. A very good job that I didn't expect to get. And it feels surreal.
Wow. I waited for a year since graduation. I was desperate and getting hopeless. I even considered moving to Singapore and seek for a job from the firm I had my internship with.

Suddenly I get this great job in Melbourne.
Everything is falling into place.

I can start saving.
I plan to help funding my brother's education when he gets sent here for university.
I want to earn my parents' respect and goodwill this way.

I can save for everything else later.
Future house, surrogate babies, kids education etc...
Geez... All I need is this start to make them reality.

I'm very happy.

Come What May

2010-05-29T22:14:00.010+10:00

Exam coming soon

Brother To Be
I am still in awe. I just heard that Roxanne, my (less-than-1-year-older) sister, had accepted a marriage proposal, and that she was getting married in about 7 months time. I'm so happy for her. But I feel a little anxious.

For me, this is all happening too fast. I only knew that she was dating a guy like 2 months ago. I was busy with my job-hunting that I didn't put too much attention on their relationship. I thought, I still had the time to get to know this guy before things get serious.

I expected her relationship pace would be similar to that of Harold's, my older brother. He got into a 3-year relationship with a girl, then they broke-up. He got into another year with another girl, and broke-up. I could keep up with his development, and got to know his girlfriends slowly when I visit home for holiday.

Geez. I have to get to know this guy ASAP. There isn't much time until their wedding day. I have never met this guy, and I only know him as "Roxanne's boyfriend". I quickly checked her Facebook and scoured her latest photos coupled with this guy.

He looks like a friendly and funny bloke. I hope he won't turn out to be a homophobic guy, and that my coming out later won't have any effect in their relationship, (even if it's found that having a gay uncle from the mother side increases his future son's likelihood to be a gay).

I might be seeing Sis and him this July. They're visiting Sydney for a church conference. Either I'm going to Sydney to say hi, or they're dropping by to Melbourne.

Nancy's Visit
BTW, Nancy is also visiting Melbourne and Sydney this July. Gosh, If only I can entertain them all together at once. I'm not even sure if I will have a job by then. If I do, I might be busy working. If I don't, I might... be job-hunting. The best case is having a job contract that starts after they're all gone. Oh... Wishful thinking.

(more after the jump)

Other
There hasn't been much happening this month. I did not go out with my other gay mates due to job-hunting and CFA studies. I bumped into Marcia on campus, I spoke with Vanessa over the phone, and I caught up with Dana to ask for job-seeking advice. No gay-bar party this month.

I spent more time with a couple of friends who have been very supportive in my job-hunt, and also with Jewel who advised me to consider honours program. These people keep me hopeful, and made my current situation bearable.

Gay Rights and the World
There have been both great, good, and bad news related to gay rights around the world lately.
Great News:
Mon 17 May: Portugal legalises same-sex marriage. Yay!

Good News:
Sat 15 May: IDAHO is celebrated around the world.
- Pink Dot in Singapore held for the 2nd time, and was attended by 4000 supporters.
- Equal Love Campaign is held around Australia, attracting 5000 supporters.

Bad News:
- Gay Malawian couple got 14 years in jail for performing gay marriage.
- Religious extremist shut down gay and lesbian human rights conference and IDAHO in Indonesia.
- Various gay venues were raided by police in Malaysia.

And now I have to get back studying for CFA. Gosh. I don't think I'll pass this Level-II. I feel like giving up.

April Adventure

2010-04-26T23:36:00.020+10:00

Wearing tie as blindfold is sexxxyy. LoL!

Job-hunting
Last year I didn't have Permanent Resident visa, and job hunting was extremely difficult. Most applications I submitted got rejected directly. Now that I have the visa that grants me full working rights, I have better chance of getting a job in Australia.

Sadly, even with the improved opportunity, it's still hard to land a graduate role. This is depressing. Most of my friends who went back to Asia have landed themselves good roles in multinational companies quite easily. I console myself by thinking of my difficulty as the price I pay for staying in Australia, and a prospect of living an openly gay life.

This year, I was invited to a number of interviews. Too bad I still didn't get the roles. I am very worried that I wouldn't land any graduate role. What should I do if I miss them all?

My graduation was in mid-2009, and now it's almost mid-2010. I'm only doing part-time jobs, volunteering, and studying for a qualification that people start after getting a job. I feel hopeless, lonely, and messy.

Thankfully I still have a few friends who stay here. They didn't use yo be my closest friends, but now we become a little closer since most of our friends left. One of them is Jewel, a former classmate who is now taking Honours program. I approached him because he was quite open about being gay.

(more after the jump)

Gay Asian Proud
GAP social network meets every second Saturday of each month. I and Jewel decided to drop by to its meeting. The convenor of GAP, Astrid, also is the person who administers VicAIDS's other programs including Young&Gay. So I was glad that I finally had a chance to see him in person.

Astrid was different from the person I imagined. I thought he would be a quiet mature asian guy with glasses and dressed conservatively. While I was correct to guess that he was in his 40s, he turned out to have perfect eyesight, wore young-spirited street wear clothing, and was very chatty.

His story amused me. Coming to Melbourne at the age of 19, he described how different Melbourne was 20 years ago. The city life was much less vibrant. There weren't as many asians. And homophobia was much worse.

That day's GAP plan was to visit art galleries and exhibitions, and we had lunch together at an asian restaurant beforehand. Only about 10 persons showed up. Astrid said usually there were more people when the activity was more popular, such as yum-cha.

During lunch, I learnt about a member from Indonesia who had to leave Australia since he couldn't get a Permanent Resident visa, even after he had stayed in Melbourne for 10 years, and earned a PhD from a reputable Australian university. I deeply empathize with this guy. After 10 years, most of his friends and life would be here. Asking him to go back would be like pulling out a tree out of its root. And it is sad because there is little prospect of living openly gay in Indonesia. I count my blessings.

After the lunch, I and Jewel decided not to join them visiting galleries. Jewel had assignments to complete, whereas I... I didn't feel like going without him.

Gay Peer
Irina, my house mate decided to cheer me up by taking me to a gay sauna. I was amazed. It was only two months ago when I referred him to the Young&Gay program, and now he has more gay experience than me.

It's interesting to compare our progress in terms of gay-world exploration. I am 22, and Irina is 20. Basically both of us only started meeting other gay people since October 2009.

Oct 2009, I started attending Young&Gay. Made my first 11 gay friends.
Oct 2009, Irina met his first boyfriend.

late-Nov 2009, I finished Y&G.
Dec 2009, Irina's relationship went south.

Jan 2010, I joined Young Bucks since I was invited by Adrianna.
Jan 2010, Irina also joined Young Bucks.
We met each other and became closer after finding out that we stayed at the same student accommodation. I referred him to join the 6-week Young&Gay program.

Feb 2010, we both went to Midsumma and Pride March where we met Cassandra.
Mar 2010, both Irina and Cassandra started attending Young&Gay.

And now it's April. They have finished their Y&G program and made a couple of gay friends. Irina would tell me where he and his new friends went, and their adventure made my experience dull in comparison. Hehehe... I am so proud of you, Irina. You're growing up faster than I am.

Three is a Crowd
Irina told me his adventure in a gay sauna with Cassandra and his Y&G friend, Ashley. I was always curious what gay sauna was like, especially since I my encounter with a stranger almost 3 years ago. I will tell this story later on.

So that night Irina introduced me to Ashley, one of his Y&G friend. Ashley is from India, a different state to where Cassandra was from. He just finished studying engineering, and he had also been applying for jobs everyday. It was really tough, because he hasn't had a Permanent Resident Visa. Seeing that there are other people in situation worse than mine again made me a more grateful person.

Labyrinth Adventure - Sircuit
The three of us went to Sircuit in Collingwood. It was very different from other gay bars. There was no dance floor, only pool tables on the ground floor. The first floor is where the real attraction lies. There is a dark labyrinth with glory holes, porn-room, and booths where people have sex.

This situation is very new to me and I was paranoid. Some hands grabbed my arm in one very dark alley and I panicly rushed to get Irina who was walking ahead of me. Ashley and Irina challenged me to walk through that alley again alone, but I was too chicken. Hehhehe...

It was great to see something new. But apart from it, there was nothing much. We didn't stay too long and then we dropped by to The nearby Peel for a while.

Labyrinth Adventure - Wet on Wellington
Finally we headed to our destination, Wet on Wellington. It was my first time at a gay sauna and I had no idea what to expect. The entry charge was $18 each that night. We were given locker keys attached to rubber bands. Apparently we needed to wear only the provided towels and the locker keys on our wrist.

I felt awkward to be almost naked in front of Irina and Ashley, but the inhibition quickly disappeared as I fed my curiosity by exploring the place. There was a swimming pool, a steam room, a sauna room, a bar, a non-porn theatre, and a terrace on the Ground Floor.

We headed to the First Floor which was, like Sircuit, designed like a labyrinth. There was a lot of hunky guys draped only in towels along the alleys. I could hear people in locked booths moaning and thumping. Damn, I was aroused. This is embarrassing. But who cares? It was dim and dark. And, except Irina and Ashley, everyone were strangers. Soon, we felt comfortable enough to enter a booth in the labyrinth, sit on a sling, and make loud fake sex noise. LoL!

The place was clean and very well-kept, but I still couldn't rest my mind. I wore the towel without underwear beneath, and I swam nude in the swimming pool. Later I was concerned if I caught STD. Silly me.

Irina and Ashley got a little fed-up being followed by me. My purpose of visiting was only to see, and I was done with that. They wanted to hook-up, and sticking together made it hard to approach people. So I tried wandering around by myself. Just me and my skimpy towel.

The guys there are very courteous. No one would catch and rape you on a corner. A dark buff guy in his 30s said I was pretty and asked if he could kiss me. I thanked him for the compliment and politely refused. An asian guy stood next to me and rubbed my arm. I said sorry, and he replied that's alright understandingly.

I hope I didn't spoil their experience. Really, they are not bad looking, gorgeous indeed. I just had this weird "I'm saving myself for the right guy" principle, and I didn't want to lose my first kiss to a stranger in sauna. Sorry guys. I was just there to have see what a gay sauna was like. I was only waiting for Irina and Ashley to be done with their adventure.

Not wanting to reject and ruin anyone's enjoyment, I retreated to the non-porn movie room where there were only people sleeping on sofas. They played Twilight which I haven't watched. Almost two hours later, Irina and Ashley found me. They asked if I was bored, but no, I was enjoying the movie and I got what I came there for.

The experience was definitely a fun one. I guess I would come back one day when I am no longer an uptight person.

Indecent Proposal (extra story)
Speaking of gay sauna, a stranger asked me to join him going to a sauna the first week I arrived in Melbourne. That is almost three years ago. Being new and bad with directions, I got lost in the city. I asked this stranger where Melbourne Central was and he lead me the way since he was also walking there.

This guy was really friendly. He asked what my hobbies were, if I go out clubbing, and if I wanted to hang out with him. I politely declined his super-friendly invitation, but this medical-professional from Adelaide was persistent.

When we arrived at Melbourne Central's atrium, he enraged me by saying he would pay me. I was shocked. I suddenly understood what he meant by going out and having 'fun'. Yes, I was that naive I thought that a stranger would be so friendly to invite me partying. I quickly thanked him for guiding the way and walked away from him.

Actually, I would only be flattered if he said he wanted sex with me. What enraged me, was that he said he would pay me. Like I was a prostitute or a poor person. Did he think Asians were all poor? I had my pride, standard, and a rich daddy. I meant my real father.

I wanted to be angry at him, but I couldn't, because he was a gay person. Back then I was contacting several gays on Fridae to hear their story. I haven't fully accepted myself and was still trying to become bisexual. I wanted to live a hetero life without being homophobic. I was afraid that he would perceive my anger as homophobia.

My feeling was mixed. I was flattered, insulted, and very curious. I wanted to know about what gay life was like. Maybe he could see this curiosity and that fuelled his persistence.

I wandered around until he was lost from my sight, and then I went to Melbourne Central's underground station to catch a train. Damn! He was also there. I leaned on a bench, and this guy came to stand next to me. I didn't say anything and tried to ignore him.

In his last attempt, he whispered that it was his last day before he had to go back to Adelaide, and asked me to have fun in a sauna called Subway near Flinders. His train arrived, and he left after I refused again politely.

Subway Sauna near Flinders. I can never forget this place's name. Maybe I should drop by this place someday. It'd be interesting to meet that guy again.

M is for March

2010-03-27T16:15:00.006+11:00

MMmmm... Big-M is yuMMy!

Whew! Can't believe March is almost over. Here's an update of my Big Gay Life for this month.

M is for Missing Mardi Gras
Just found out that a lot of my Y&G mates all went to Mardi Gras with their own mates. Jade with his boyfriend from YB, Patricia went with a guy, Janice with his groupie, and Franceska told me he went in drag with a friend. Except for Jade, they all didn't tell me they were goinggg...

I came to realise that most of us had already had gay friend groups before we met at Y&G. I had not, cause back then I was completely closeted except to Nancy. Thus, after the Y&G's 6 week program ends, most of us continue life with our former friends while catching up once in a while. Some, like Vanessa and Marcia become close party-buddies. I usually get invited to bar-hopping by either Vanessa, Marcia, or Alessandra. BTw, Alessandra is the most on-the-scene, he pretty much goes to every gay venue and event. He is everywhere and knows everyone. Alessandra is the Lady Almighty!

Back to Mardi Gras topic. I missed out going to Sydney, but I did watch the Parade on Foxtel's Arena. Actually I was really upset to find that the channel's signal was really faint so I couldn't watch it live. I ended up going out that night with my housemate Irina. What I didn't know was that Arena+2, which signal was excellent, would replay every Arena's show with 2 hours of delay. When Irina told me of this, it was all too late.

I was so happy to see the show replayed again the week after. And I just couldn't miss it. The show was fantastic! There was a group of asian trannies wearing very intricate costumes, peacock feathers, and body paint. Awesome! I recognised that they were the same ladies we met at Midsumma Festival.

The host Mitzi was very funny. She would just make every innocent statement sound corny. For example, she asked a firefighter where he worked, he said his station just on the corner. Then Mitzi says, "Oh, I love working on the corner, too!" LoL! Then there she asked a hunky beach guard if he is a life saver, which he said yes, and she replied "Oh really? You can save my life!" Hahhaha!

So that's my first Mardi Gras experience. Watching it on TV screen. I would definitely like to go and see a Parade live on the street someday. And maybe one day, walk on the parade-walk. Woo~Hoo!

(more after the jump)

M is for Marching for Marriage Equality
I went to the rally after lunch with Jewel, a gay uni-mate, whom I began talking more with after graduating. He said he didn't really think much of marriage, and wouldn't mind going back to Malaysia for a better career prospect. Apparently he told me gay life wasn't so bad in KL. I'm unsure how gay life is like in Jakarta, but I guess I wouldn't be able to live it openly in either KL, Jakarta, or even Singapore.

I arrived just before they started rallying on the street. Anyway, I couldn't find any familiar faces, so I felt not like joining. Last time there were Franceska and Michelle with his mates from Monash Equal Love, and there were plenty more people. Maybe because it is the THIRD march within less than a one-year period.

Another sad thing is that the march seemed to be overridden by the Socialist Party. I have nothing against the party. However, giving participants Red Flags to wave while they had no idea that the flags represent the party is just a bit unconscionable. The participants thought that the Red Flags were of Equal Love's.

M is for MQFF
It's great to finally go to the Melbourne Queer Film Festival. Last year when I was only out to Nancy, I wanted to see it with her, but didn't. This time, I get myself more informed regarding the event, and even invited my Y&G friends to watch a film together. However, I find it a little hard to get the group together now. I guess it's just a reality of life. A group forms, develops, reaches its height, and finally disband. A little sad, but at least I'm not completely out of touch with them. For now.

I figured out that the crowd on average is a little more aged than the crowd you'd find in gay bars such as Peel or IQ. Maybe as gay people become more mature, they go to gay bars less often, but they go to these events more. Maybe that's why it's harder to get my young gay friends attend the event, cause they'd rather save up for the parties. Me? I'm on a high of being gay, so I spend a lottt... on everything gay. Hahaha!

I decided to watch Eyes Wide Open, From Beginning to End, and The Big Gay Musical. Franceska actually watch 5 movies, but he doesn't go to gay bars.

Eyes Wide Open was a good movie, but it's a little depressing. The story was about an Orthodox Jewish man who is married with children. He fell in love with a young gay man from out of town who needed shelter and temporary job while he was in Jerusalem searching for his lover who went ex-gay. Providing and keeping the young gay man at his store attracted strong reaction from the community who threw stones to his window and distributed pamphlets cursing the gay man and calling to boycott the store. It's so sad to know that a society can be so controlled by religious mafia. Somehow reminds me of a recent incident in Indonesia. I watched this film with Franceska.

From Beginning to End was beautiful. Beautiful cinematography, beautiful scene, and of course, beautiful actors. HEHehehe... The story was about a pair of step-brothers who developed strong bonds and evolved their relationship to a romantic one. The cast were gorgeous and there were a lot of cuddling and kissing, which made it enjoyable. But I was tried to forget the fiction that they were brothers cause it's just a little disturbing. Hehehe... I tried to think of them as just normal gay couples. I watched this film by myself.

M is for Musical. I love The Big Gay Musical
The third film really made me go Gaga... I loooovvvveee itt! And it felt better since I watched it with Franceska and Irina.

The story was about Paul and Eddie, two off-Broadway actors who were performing a gay-themed play titled "Adam and Steve, just the way God made 'em". Their off-stage lives were also gay, in both meanings. Eddie was a closeted gay, and his religious parents suddenly were going to visit and watch his gay-performance. Paul was looking for the ideal long-term partner, and was struggling with relationship.

The film was a complete package of what any gay would want:
Hot cast, tick!
Quality acting, tick!
Quality story, tick!
Broadway-style dances, tick!
Fabulous songs, BIG TICK!

I love Paul's song "I wanna be a Slut", and also the televangelist's song "As I Am". Looovveee it. I can't stop perving and googling Daniel Robinson, the cast for Paul. He's just gorgeousss. And especially since his film character was into long-term, serious in monogamous relationship, protective of his mates, and loves cuddling. Ohhh... What a perfect guy!

Ok, let me continue my oogling and googling of Daniel Robinson. HEhhehe!

Red Valentine

2010-02-14T10:28:00.029+11:00

Me wearing a pair of tacky heart-shaped sunnies for your entertainment only.

Happy Valentine and Chinese New Year, guys!
May this year be prosperous, gay, and fabulous. HAhahaha!

Here's an update regarding my gay life in the past 2 weeks.

Pride March Victoria
On Sunday, 7 Feb 2010, I went to Pride March Victoria. It was my first time attending the annual event, and I had no idea what to do. Apparently, you can just come, stand on the street side, and watch the marching group... march. I means you don't have to march at the event to participate. Duh! I just never thought of this.

So I got info regarding the time and assembly location. Curious, I went there with Irina. We arrived at an open field where people make groups and wait near numbered poles. I was hoping to see people I knew from Young&Gay or Young Bucks, but we didn't find one. So, there we were, 2 young gay guys looking kinda lost, not knowing what to do next.

Luckily, I remembered that the charity organisation I volunteered for is also coming. Oh, BTW, I was amazed to find out that the human rights organisation had high numbers of lesbian officers. They are really friendly. So I contacted one of them and found their group. The next thing I know, we were marching down the street, holding the banner with them and distributing cards to the crowds, who apparently were waiting on another end of the street.

Had I known that the spectators were on that side, I would've joined them instead of marched. But good thing I didn't know where the spectators were supposed to wait. Now I can tell you that I've done my first pride march. Hurray!

Reaching the finish line, the group just disbanded. It was at Catani Gardens and they held a carnival there. Not as big as the carnival at Midsumma opening day, though. I explored the carnival with Irina, and made friend with Cassandra, a new gay guy in town who marched with us with the human rights organisation. Cassandra was 20 years young, a little chubby, and he was a new student from India. He loves fashion and he was wearing a fancy jacket that can be used as straight-jacket. Later I met with Janice, Ruby and Estelle, Marcia, and Jasslyn with his new boyfriend.

I wanna go and see Mardi Gras!
I still haven't had enough queer celebrations after Midsumma ended with the marching. I'm still up for moreee... Gimme more, more, Moooreee... Let this year be my gayest year!

Watching this teaser video from samesame.com.au made my craving go worse.

(more after the jump)

Oh! It looked so fabulous! I really want to go there with my gay mates.

Ruby told me that he was definitely going with his girls. He is a fun guy to be with, however, I didn't feel comfortable going with just him without Marcia, since I knew Ruby only recently through Marcia. Marcia said he might want to go, but he was a little poor lately. I feel so bad for keep bombarding him with information regarding Mardi Gras; that teaser video, list of events and schedules, airfare ticket prices, and more...

Finally Marcia told me he wasn't going. I think somehow I pissed him off by telling him I wasn't going too. It made him feel like I didn't go because of him. Well, not really. I wasn't going because I didn't have friends to go with. I also have asked other Young&Gay mates to go, but no one looked really interested. So it wasn't his fault I'm not going. Marcia, I'm sorryyy!

Later, Vanessa told me he really wanted to go and asked me to come along. His plan was quite crazy, though. Only one and half a day in Sydney and then back to Melbourne. My earlier plan with Marcia was more like 3-4 days. And oh! Jade was going too, but he's going with his new boyfriend. Waaa... everyone seems to be having new boyfriend! They must have been anticipating for Valentine! LoL!

So... I think I'm going to be watching Mardi Gras from TV screen. Hoping for a gay friend to have Foxtel on his TV so we can watch together. Otherwise, I'd have to watch at my student residential's TV lounge, possibly with straight blokes wanting to watch footy or DVD. Ohhh...

Go Tiger!
Speaking of Chinese New Year, here's a tiger picture to mark the Year of Tiger.

I know, nobody's looking at the tiger. HEHehehe...

Actually, Dave Salmoni would look much better with his short beard than only goatee like this. Anyway, he still looks sizzling hot.

Midsummer Nights and Dreams

2010-01-31T23:21:00.031+11:00

Golden summer

Hi all, January is finishing and I had much fun throughout the month. First of all, happy very-belated New Year 2010! BTW, I was granted Permanent Resident visa at the end of 2009 and life has been eventful.

Breaking Up with Nancy
There was a complication in Nancy's Permanent Resident visa application and she decided that she would no longer be pursuing Australian permanent residency. So she came back to Melbourne to wrap things up and to have a proper farewell.

I had a deep conversation with her. All missed communications and unmet expectations. My anger cause she distanced herself to me for her new boyfriend. Her guilt for keeping resentment in me after I pulled back and she flunked things without my help. We decided to stop calling each other bestfriends, cause it just escalated expectation in each other. We were once that close that we had to have a proper break-up. We're now just friends.

She also broke up with Charles, her snobbish Australian boyfriend. He sent me abusive messages blaming me for things and accusing me of dancing in victory when Nancy messed up with her migration process. How I and Nancy started all together and I ended a hero from zero taking all advantage and support from Nancy while providing nothing in return.

Come on! Just because I appreciated the things she provided me more than she valued things that I provided her, it didn't mean I put less. And please! Did he ever send her to the airport and carry her luggage, or walk her home after study nights, or helped her moving out? I did! I ALWAYS did and where was he? I just wished I would no longer be in contact with him after they're done.

Young Bucks
Invited by Adrianna, a guy I know from Young&Gay, I joined a gay social group called Young Bucks that meets every fortnight and made more gay friends there. One of them, let's call him Irina, even lives at the same student accommodation I live in. So we started hanging out together.

Midsumma Queer Festival
I also attended my first Midsumma Festival. For those who are unfamiliar with Midsumma, it is an annual LGBT festival that runs for about 3 weeks in the middle of summer. For this year, the festival runs from 17th Jan to 7 Feb 2010. There's just so much to tell.

(more after the jump)

Midsumma Carnival
On the 17th of Jan, I went to the Carnival with some friends from Young Bucks. The carnival was fun. There were a couple of sexual health surveys ran, gay businesses and associations opening booths, performances, a restricted area for 'illegals' (I mean under 18s, thus illegal to have sexual relationship with. LoL!), and a fenced outdoor pub where visitors must be 18+ to enter the enclosure.

It was fun to see so many people attending with their families and children. There was like thousands of people attending the carnival and it feels amazing to see how many people are actually gay in the community.

The weather was bizzare. It rained lightly for 10 minutes and then the sky shone brightly for another 10 minutes and the cycle just repeat all over again.

Midsumma T-Dance
On the evening, the carnival stopped, and the T-dance started. I and my friends from Young Buck went back home. However, I went back to the T-dance with Marcia, a guy whom I know through Young&Gay. This time I dressed more appropriately for the weather, wearing my pair of jeans instead of shorts, and I put on a coat.

It was my first T-dance experience. It's okay if you don't know what T-dance is. I didn't know what it was before I went there. According to wikipedia, T-dance evolved from Tea Dance, a dance party that starts early in the evening around 6PM unlike most clubs that runs after 9PM.

The T-dance was held outdoor and it was super crowded. Marcia introduced me to his friends Ruby, Estelle, and Christina. They are really great dancers and friendly too. I love dancing with them. Estelle often show me a lot of great moves that I try to mimic. It was heaps of fun.

In the midst of the crowded dancefloor, an old guy grabbed (more like pinched) my bum and he winked as he passed by me. I really didn't know what to do. Should I be pissed? Or should I be flattered that someone tried to pick on me? I'm confused but decided to just brush it off. I only wanted to have fun with my friends.

Midsumma Closet Party - Australia Gay
There were a lot of events associated with Midsumma, especially by gay bars. Closet is one of the gay bars that held such night party event. Since the Friday night (22 Jan) was close to Australia Day (26 Jan), they named the night Australia Gay.

Marcia just had his birthday and he celebrated it at the Closet party with his friends. There, I met Ruby, Estelle, and Christina again. There were also Janice with his boys, Alessandra, and Dana came in a twin matching outfit with Jasslyn.

The actual night before Australia Day
Marcia, Vanessa, and Alessandra brought me to a new place called Prince of Wales at Saint Kilda. It was my first time there and I was surprised that they have the straight section, and a gay section. There was a drag show performance and the room at the gay section was packed that many people stood on the table. I was relatively short so I get on the table to watch the show.

A cute drank guy approached and put his beer bottle on the table near my feet, and he stared at me. I asked if he was okay and told him I'd be careful not to knock his bottle. He said "I don't care about the beer, all I wanted is you." And I really didn't know how to respond. Ok, he wanted me. So what did he want from me? Sex? How and where? Like I would leave my friends at the club? And is it safe to go out with a stranger? A drunk and horny one?

Looking dumb, I asked him what he meant and he just repeated what he said. I replied "You're drunk." And he left. Honestly, if I were not a virgin and had nothing to lose, and if I were more experienced, I might have 'gone' with him. Hahaha! I felt flattered, but he was drunk so he might think I am not as attractive when he's sober. LoL!

When the show was over, the music and dance started. Other people on the table danced, so I started dancing on the table too. Dancing on the top of a table was fun! I felt like being a performer and that feels awesome. I'm such an attention whore. Hahaha!

Prince of Wales closed quite early at 3AM. We then went to continue our wild night at Peel Dancebar. The DJ at Peel was so cute. He danced inside the DJ booth as he tuned the song. Awww... Then we had to leave Peel cause it closed at 6AM. We were party animals.

I was really sleepy and my feet were sore. They brought me to The Market which still opened. I heard the place will keep open until like 2PM. Who would still be there? Crazy! It was my first time at The Market and I hanged on for an hour and then we went home, leaving the still-craving-for-more-dance Alessandra at the club.

Midsumma Drama Play Romeo + Julian
Midsumma festival is only one week left and I was still up for more. I wanted to get the most out of the whole season. I was upset that I missed the show "Gentlemen Prefer Blokes" (a drag show version of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes) which ad looked really interesting and was said to be very popular.

Luckily, I was still able to watch another popular show that was almost sold out. It was titled R+J. The performance was basically the modern and gay version of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Only this time, Julian is the belle of the stage instead of Juliet.

I went to watch it on Saturday 30 Jan with Alessandra, Jade, Michelle, Marcia, and Ruby at GasWork ArtPark near Albert Park. It was a great show. The casts were cute, lots of gay kissing, and sex-simulation act, not to mention the acting were good too. Poor Julian had to go through lots of slapping, beating, and slamming. Gosh! He must have bruises all over his body after those rehearsals and several actual performances. And repeating those passionate kisses. I wonder if he enjoyed it or took it as a chore.

Party, Party, Party
After that, Michelle went home and the rest of us had lunch at The Cookie. Don't be fooled by the humble name, the bar/restaurant was so gorgeous and fashionable. The ceiling was high, with low room partition, vintage large photopainting covering wall sides, old yet polished furnitures, floral tablecloth, and balcony tables. It was like how a New York restaurant would be in my imagination. The foods were pricey and diet-portioned, but I didn't mind paying for the experience.

Then Jade went home while the rest dropped by Ruby's place. There, we found Estelle laying at the TV area. BTW, Jade and Estelle are housemates. And they click so well they are really like brothers. After drinking sangria and shots, we head out for partying. I was tired, but Alessandra would nag me to death if I didn't go.

I went to Priscilla for the first time. Like Heaven's Door, another club just next to Priscilla, the place was long but narrow. Both places have drag show performances that night. Irina joined us at Heaven's Door. Sang loudly to Justin Timberlake's "Girlfriend", except we screamed "Would you be my Boyfriend" instead of "Girlfriend". Then we went to Peel, again.

Peel was more crowded than usual that night. Well, I can't really say what usual is like cause I have only been there like 4 times by then.
- Danced and grinded our bodies at each other. Heaps of fun!
- Met a cute Pinoy boy who was craving for cigarette. Took him to dance with my mates for a while. Then he left for smoking.
- Danced with my mates again.
- Danced with a stranger guy who cornered me to a wall and wanted to kiss me. I didn't give him. Sorry, I'm saving my first for the right guy.
- Danced with my mates again.
- Danced with a stranger girl at Shania Twain's Man! I feel like a woman.
- Danced with my mates again. Woohoo~!
- Danced with another stranger at Madonna's Hung Up. He hugged me from the back and lifted me up.
- Danced with my mates like there's no tomorrow. At 5AM, we went home.
- Very exhausted.

I realised that I loved dancing very much, but I don't really enjoy drinking alcohol. Maybe I should learn to drive so I can take over my friends driving seat to prevent them from drink-and-drive.

Then there is today. Went to gym to start my Melbourne Marathon training. Cooked. Cleaned. And blogged. Life is back to normal.

Cherry Ripe

2009-12-31T22:51:00.038+11:00

Sweet and Tempting

Raised in a conservative family, I grew up with the mindset of maintaining virginity before marriage. The people I grew up with all go dating without having sex. I guess kisses and gropes are acceptable, but penetrative sex is strictly for married couples. Such view is so strongly ingrained on my head that I even imagined of never having sex before getting my GAY marriage. YuP! I know how weird that sounds.

I'm not that all pure. I do watch porn and masturbate, two things I initially did to make myself a straight guy without success. However, I've never kissed anyone on the lips since puberty, not even with my ex-girlfriend at high school whom I dated to straighten myself.

Down under, I am just shocked to know how laid back people are when it comes to sex. Well, they don't talk about it publicly, but many do it regularly, and casually. And I'm talking about college students, both local and international including those from conservative Asian countries. Those from my country, and church-goers, however, are mostly much like me. Virgins and sexless. Or am I the only one???

Maintaining virginity as a gay was easy when you know no other gay in the village. You simply don't know anyone to do it with. But now that I know quite a few gays from Young&Gay, some of whom are very... desireable and sexually active, the question of to have or not to have becomes frustrating.

(more after the jump)

I keep asking myself questions like,
"What do you maintain your virginity for?",
"Shouldn't you try it with the person before committing the longer run?"
"Are you sure you want to do it with only one person for your whole life?",
"What if gay marriage were never legalised in where I live?"
"What age are you going to get gay-married?"

The last question ("What age are you going to get gay-married?") is pretty easy to answer. I'm going to get gay-married once the following conditions are met:
1. I've met the right person
2. I am ready to commit my whole life with this person
3. I am already capable of living independently from my parents

It doesn't have to be of a certain age. However, I think such conditions would not be met before I reach the age of 25 years old. Moreover, the average age of first marriage of men in developed countries is like 32 years old. Can I stay chaste and sexless for another 10 years? Ohhh... nooo...

The question ("What if gay marriage were never legalised in where I live?") was discussed in a conversation with Dana. He asked me if civil union, or a commitment ceremony would be enough to get before having sex. And I answered "Sure! I believe in substance over form." Commitment ceremony is a wedding. And commitment is essentially marriage, regardless whether the Church or Government recognises it or not (Although I prefer the Gov't to recognise it. Hell may care about what Church thinks).

The question ("Are you sure you want to do it with only one person for your whole life?") is also easy to answer. I think I'll be content with just one person in my life. Hopefully he would be good in all aspects of marriage, including in bed. Hehehehe... And hopefully he would live long enough till I reach men-oh-pause (if there is one for guys), or even surpass my life so I would never need to do it with anyone else.

The question ("Shouldn't you try it with the person before committing the longer run?") is quite interesting. While I agree that sex is not everything in marriage, I think sexual compatibility matters. After all, sex and kids are the things that differentiate marriage from best-friendship.

Can two bottoms be a complementing couple? Or two tops? I think it's possible, and in this whole wide world we might find some of such couples. But I guess either or both should put in extra effort and sacrifice their preference to please the other.

Am I a top, or a bottom? Being a virgin, I can't be too sure about it. Previously I've thought of myself as being a bottom. I was mostly attracted to masculine hunky-muscly dudes. Then lately I've been attracted to prettier, shorter, leaner, and not-as-macho guys who identify as bottoms. With these guys, I imagine being the top. And I can see myself that way.

So what am I? Versatile? I really need to figure out. I can't get married to later know that I don't enjoy the sex. It would have been too late by then. Thus, based on this issue, I should try having sex with both roles before marriage. It would be awesome if both of us enjoy both roles. Our marriage does not have to conform to top-bottom normativity. Should I just look for versatile gay guys?

The first question ("What do you maintain your virginity for?) is the most fundamental question and the hardest to answer. Let me try to list all possible reason that cross to my mind. I had a discussion with Nancy about this.
1. Hygienic reasons
2. Norms and social pressure
3. Emotional attachment

Hygienic reason is a very weak reason to maintain virginity. Most STDs are preventable through the use of condom. On the top of that I've had Hep A&B vaccination and going to get Gardasil.

Norms and social pressure are also not a strong reason either. I know my family would be upset if they know I had casual sex. But they would also be upset to know if their son is gay, which I can't help. So, should I even care about how they would feel? Or should I maintain this goody-goody squeaky clean boy so that they might at least accept that I am gay?

Regarding my friends. Even though I am a virgin until today, I don't mind having sexually active friends. I don't thrash-talk or look down upon them from doing so. On the other side, I strongly dislike people who bad-mouth their sexually active friends. Like sex would harm anyone other than their puny little minds. People who shun others to make themselves feel holy or better persons. Oh Please...

So, I don't really care what my current friends think about me having sex. They should feel free to avoid me cause I don't like being with judgementals and religious narrow-minds. Except my family. Hopefully they are not as narrow as I expect.

Emotional attachment sounds like the most valid reason to keep myself green. I think I would definitely remember and treasure the first things in my life. First home, first job, first car, first kiss, and of course, first 'it'. I really want to have no regret for having my first experience. I want it to be sweet and memorable.

I am also afraid that once I try it, I would enjoy it so much that I become unable to live without sex. Well, it's okay if I have my partner, but what if we break-up? I don't want to start having sex with strangers. I want to keep sex as love-making act, not just oinking-and-boinking (as Nancy said. Hahaha!). I don't want to 'hunt' for another relationship with the aim of getting sex either. That is why marriage is important to me. Because there will be love, commitment, and long-term thinking.

Whew, I sound overly sentimental. I want to see if I would still be holding the same value by next year, or even still be a virgin. ^_^

Amantes Sunt Amentes

2009-11-24T17:18:00.035+11:00

Nancy Got A New Fag
It's been around 1 year and 3 months since I came out to Nancy. She provided me with acceptance I craved all my life. I didn't care if I had no other friend. She was the only one I wanted to talk with. If she were a gay guy, I would've been her lover. If I were straight, I wouldn't need to come out to her. I guess we'd still be very close friends and I might be dating her too.

In late 2008, we both applied for summer internship 2008/2009. Due to restrictions international students face on working in Australia, we expanded our search to include Singapore. And we both got the same internship in Singapore. I was so excited about spending Christmas and New Year together with her in the Lion City. The internship was more like having a working holiday adventure with my bestie.

It was all fun until she met this guy, another intern who is also from University of Melbourne. He's an ABC, Australian-born Chinese. I was very happy for her. This was something that Nancy had always wanted. He could be someone to Nancy that I could never be. And I didn't want to be on her way. Let's call him Charles.

(more after the jump)

I never had a good relationship with Charles although I tried to. He was not friendly to me. Perhaps he saw me as a competitor for Nancy. He didn't know I was gay, and I was not ready to tell anyone other than Nancy.

I almost told him once. One day, I went to the Night Safari with a group of friends. Coincidentally, Charles was also going there with his group of friends, except that all his friends abandoned the plan last minute. I felt sorry for him so I invited him to join along.

My friends' car couldn't fit the extra person, so I took a bus to the zoo with him. Along the way, I was tempted to ask him Australian attitude towards gays, and tell my situation. However, my tongue froze again, I still couldn't say it in words. Of course I didn't shook and cry like I did with Nancy. That would have been really awkward. LoL!

Charles had a reason to be jealous. Apart from being inseparable with me, Nancy did for several times ask me to provoke him. She asked it whenever she got jealous at Charles bantering with another girl-intern. I was like, "whatever, I'll just do it for her". I didn't really care if this new guy disliked me.

So when Nancy asked me to hold her hands in front of Charles when he ignored her, I did it. Hug her arms when he talked to another girl, did it. Talk in Indonesian with her when he spoke Mandarin with this other girl, did it. After all, they were all innocent display of affection between best friends. It's not like I smooched her. Ewww...

Eventually, Nancy and Charles got together. I was upset because she knew he had been treating me poorly yet she became his girlfriend before the hostility ended. Before she met Charles, she promised that she wouldn't let her future boyfriend stop us from being really close friends. However, she was slowly disappearing. He took her away when I had nobody but her. I didn't let Nancy tell Charles because I haven't developed trust on him.

I was deeply hurt when she told me she couldn't see me as much. She dumped me, her friend of almost 4 years, for a guy she met less than 3 months. She told me Charles didn't like the idea of me being with her, walking her home after late studying at library like we used to, or simply having lunch together. And she said it was exhausting it was like having two boyfriends. She became a different person. We still hangout, rarely just the two of us like before. Even when we do, I can feel distance.

It was hard. I expanded my circle of friends, but I still couldn't tell anyone else. After graduating, we both applied for Permanent Residency. I did it for my life, while Nancy's major motivation was staying with Charles. With most of our friends returning home to their respective countries, I am back to my lonely self. Nancy encouraged me to get a boyfriend. I wish it was that easy.

Enter the Bunny Hole
I finally enrolled at a program for gays aged 18 to 26 called Young and Gay. The 6 week program provides education for safe sex and HIV prevention, coming out and self esteem, relationship, and LGBT community among other things. I can't believe 6 weeks went by so quickly.

Week 1 - Introduction week
The day coincided with my 22nd birthday. I arrived 10 minutes late for the first meeting. The facilitators mr. D and mr. J greet me by name. They must have find out which one was me because I was the last participant to arrive.

It was my first time to be in a room with 11 other gay guys. For future reference I assign the following pseudonyms. Dana and Jasslyn were the facilitators. The participants were I, Adrianna, Alessandra, Franceska, Jade, Janice, Marcia, Michelle, Patricia, and Vanessa.

We started by introducing ourselves to the next person, and re-introduce the person we talked with to the rest of the group. Then we set a list of rules and norms of group. One of the most important rule was "Don't screw the crew". At the end of the meeting, we were assigned a buddy with each other to meet before the following meeting. I was paired with Adrianna.

Week 2 - Emo night
I didn't get to see my buddy Adrianna during the week. I almost overslept and rushed to go to the meeting while reading a new SMS from him inviting for coffee that I should've read two hours before. I arrived late for the second time. Bad image.

Week two was emotional. We took turn sharing experience of coming out and growing up gay. Some of the experience were really exceptional. And I had thought mine was bad enough. I feel closer to them once I got to know their story, and shared my story. Patricia was assigned to become my buddy for the following week.

Week 3 - First Gay Bar Experience
I decided that I will not arrive late again this time. And I knew I wouldn't, since I was meeting Patricia for coffee an hour before the program. Instead of just the two of us, we chat over soda and burger in a nearby restaurant with Adrianna and Jade. It was a double-buddy-date, and I was glad I could make up to Adrianna.

We learned about stages of coming out on week 3 and picking up people at a bar. After the session, we went to Jasslyn's place before visiting IQ bar. It was my first gay bar experience! Yay!

The feeling was great. I was a little anxious at the first time, even I asked Michelle to accompany me to the toilet cause I was afraid of getting raped. Clearly I was being overly-paranoid. As soon as I saw what the toilet was like, the fear was gone. Dancing with them was awesome. I liked the feeling of unintentionally touching another guy while dancing. LoL! I really liked Dana whispering to my ear when I asked him song titles. It felt warm when he held me.

One-by-one our group members started leaving for home. There were only me, Marcia, Michelle, Vanessa, and Dana when Dana finally decided to go home. The day was Thursday so he had to work the following day. He gave me a very warm hug. Gosh, it felt really good.

I couldn't decide whether to stay or to go home. It was my first gay bar experience and I was wondering what's going to go on if I stay. I wanted to see it all. Anyway, we decided to finish and go home with Dana. I somehow panicked when I was unable to find Dana in front of the bar. I called his phone to check if he was okay. Gosh, what was I thinking? Of course he'd be alright. It's my first time visiting a gay bar, not his.

Then the remaining four of us got a midnight kebab. Despite the earlier decision to go home, they decided to visit Peel, another well-known gay bar. Curious, I followed them. Peel was more 'wild' than IQ. It was closer to what I expected a gay bar would be. I saw drag queens, topless guys, and plenty of guy-on-guy smooching. I also saw how people get picked up. Actually, a female approached me to ask if I was willing to kiss her male friend. I could only apologize for not being into making out with strangers. If only Dana asked me, maybe I would take it...

We talked a lot about our ideal relationship. I began to realise that I actually had a crush on Dana, the gorgeous facilitator. What did I like about him? His good looks? His humor? His attitude? His flirty behavior? The way he talk? I guess I like the way he is comfortable with himself. The night out was awesome. I and Michelle stayed at Peel until 5am in the morning since we were waiting for the first tram. I slept all day the following day.

Week 4 - The male G-Spot
Franceska was my buddy for the week, and it was our turn to bring some finger food. So we meet two hours before the program for dinner, and went to a supermarket on Prahran to buy chips and dips. Glad everyone enjoyed it.

Dana was looking very sexy that day. He came with stubble on his chin. And he was wearing a purple shirt. Awww... Wait, I had exactly the same G-2000 purple shirt. We explored about sexual health and HIV transmission on week 4. He also taught us about sexual organs and the male G-Spot. Dana assigned homework for us to find and try probing our own prostate. I wish he could help me with that homework. Anyway, I was such a lucky bum I got matched with Dana for the following week's buddy. Horrayy!!

The four of us went to IQ again. This time there were less people in the group. Some figured out IQ was not their scene, Dana didn't go cause he didn't bring clothing change. I went there with Alessandra, Michelle, Marcia, and Vanessa, but I promised myself not to stay until 5am like the week before. After only about an hour at IQ, I decided to go home so I didn't miss the last tram. On the way home I realised my jeans were torn on the crotch.

Nancy flies Home
On Saturday morning, Nancy decided to go back to Jakarta. She'll be back within 6 months time since that is how long her Bridging visa type B allows her to. I took her to the airport. We kissed cheeks for goodbye and she flew. A day later, through a slip-out on my side, Charles knew I was gay. And I let her tell him about everything. I didn't care as much anymore.

Date with Dana
In the afternoon, I meet up with Dana since he was my buddy for the week. I asked him to help me find a new pair of jeans since my only pair got torn. We met at Melbourne Central and browsed around. Dana was so charming, he kneeled down to fit my jeans' hem on my ankle. Awwww...

He was also such a tease. The queue for the changing room was long. So he came to the corner where I was standing, asked me to hold his cap and just changed in front of me. Gosh, I didn't know what to do. I wore his cap, act obviously clueless, looked away and pretended I didn't peek. Epic Fail. And he did that twice on me. Now I regret not taking a good look on him.

He was the kind of a good looking guy that all store attendants, both guys and girls, threw themselves at him. Especially that bitch at Just Jeans! She couldn't stop hitting on my date! Damn SLUTTH! Just kidding. Hehhehe...

Finally I got a new pair of jeans and he took me to his favourite Sushi Bar on Bourke Street. Too bad it was closed so we went for another one on Swanston Street. He was sooo... charming. He had to go, so I asked for a goodbye hug. Ugh! What is this feeling?

Internet is for Stalking
Ok. I'm interested in Dana. And just like most teenager in crush, I wanted to discover more about him. Armed with Facebook and Google, I learned that aside from being a facilitator at VicAIDS/GMHC, he also volunteers as a secretary for a charity dedicated for an African country's health. And he was such a fit guy he ran to raise fund for this charity. His sexiness level just go way over the roof. How can a guy be so larger than life?

Then I see why he wasn't looking for a relationship. My Clark Kent has a full-time job, and is busy saving the world, and entertaining his friends. He has so limited time for himself, how can he find one for a relationship? I think it would be unfair to 'take him away' from the African community and AIDS and LGBT community where he is really needed.

I disliked the feeling when Nancy was taken away by Charles. If I were to be with Dana, I must not take him away for myself. I should instead make myself flexible, befriend with his friends and family, and perhaps join volunteering for the causes he believes in so we could spend time together while contributing to society. I wonder if they have the "don't screw the crew" policy among volunteers. Hehehe...

Gosh, what am I thinking? I planned not to be in a relationship before I come out to my family. I didn't want them to blame my future boyfriend for turning me gay. Especially since he was my facilitator at this coming out program. And I'm not going to tell them until I get my Australian permanent resident visa and a full time job. Oh dear.

Will I be the right person for Dana? I'm young, immature, clingy and insecure. He is a grown up, mature, living a productive life, and is very comfortable with himself. I don't think I should burden him with my baggage.

Mr Lotus Preliminary
Me, Alessandra, Dana, Janice, and Marcia went to this Gaysian Pageant called Mr Lotus Award at the Heaven's Door. Finally I got to see a gay bar other than IQ and Peel. Relative to the two said bars, Heaven's Door was a little bit smaller in size.

Dana's friend, Gina, was a contestant at the pageant. He has a really friendly and humble disposition. I liked him, in a friendly way. The event was hilariously fun. However, I got a little envious seeing Janice wrapping his arms around Dana as they watched the show. Gosh, who the hell am I to be jealous? I wanted that warmth.

Week 5 - Out of Radar
The session in week 5 was about relationship. We also put on a picture of a superman and stick sticky notes written with characteristics of our ideal guy. Oh, I couldn't stop seeing Dana in the picture of the perfect guy we were assembling. I need to get him out of my mind.

Then we had an HIV positive person speaking to us regarding his experience and life. I felt really sorry for him. His relationship of more than a decade broke down due to poor communication. And he got infected because his partner was not practising safe sex outside the relationship. It was sad.

Later that night, no one except Dana was going out. I couldn't not go out. I had dressed up appropriately. On previous nights that I had always been overdressed with button up shirts. I know it was a silly reason to go but I just wanted a night out. And it was with Dana, I was craving for him.

So Dana was meeting up with one of his friends at IQ. I was out of control that night. I drank too much, and I felt down when Dana hooked up with another guy on the dance floor. Maybe it was his acquaintance, maybe his former casuals, or a potential new one. I don't know, but I felt insignificant. He has an active sexual life, and me? I'm just a horny virgin, who is only willing to have sex in a long-term relationship, and I wasn't even ready to start one before coming out to my family. I was not under his radar. I was invisible.

I got drunk. I threw up. Dana took care of me. I screwed up his night with his good friend. And luckily I got kicked out by the doorman. Yeah, I really shouldn't stay and ruin his night. I asked him to stay on. Much more sober without the excessive booze in my stomach, I got my weekly dose of goodbye hug and caught a taxi home.

Week 6 - Final Session
Finally we were going to have our final session. I was not assigned to bring finger food for the day, but I feel like I just have to. It was fun. Sheila, a friend whom I came out to during the week, helped me make Kangaroo and Turkey wonton. I really had no idea how to make it, but she and her friend pretty much did all for me.

My buddy for the week was Jade. He came over to my place to find out what is it like living on a student accomodation. He also helped me with frying the wonton I had prepared the morning. It was plenty of fried dim sum. We arrived late for the session.

Last week was about LGBT community, how we can find groups of like-minded people, and that being gay is just a facet of our life. I liked when Jasslyn told us we were all personalities, not sexualities. I guess being gay is the biggest thing on my life for now (pride). I can't wait to pass the phase and let it just be a part of me (synthesis).

Dana gave each of us a certificate of graduation. I am officially a gay. Hehehe... It was all just for fun though. They all went to celebrate the end, while I had to go home. I was carrying all the containers for the fried dimsims, and I needed to study.

Huff... This is such a long post. I need to go back to studying ASAP. I miss you guys.

The Promised La La Land

2009-10-10T00:46:00.010+11:00

Different Shades of Gray
Before I came to Australia for my studies, I used to think that all developed countries had similar high-level of tolerance for LGBT people, and that it was purely random that Netherlands was the first country to legalise same-sex marriage in 2001. I also thought that same-sex marriage would become reality all over western nations (Australia included) in just a few number of years. Especially since Belgium, Spain, Canada, and South Africa followed in shortly after Netherlands.

That was until Proposition 8 in California was campaigned against LGBT people in 2008. It went through, and they took away our rights. My eyes were really opened. The event raises a few points to my attention:

1. That homophobia is well alive and kicking, even in the developed world.
2. That populations of each developed nations have different inclinations.
3. That different demographic groups tend to hold different level of tolerance.
4. That a country's law and government reflect its population's attitude.
5. That same-sex marriage is a good indicator of LGBT acceptance.

After the event I began questioning,
"Is same-sex marriage going to happen in Australia within 10 years time?"
"Would I be better off migrating to a gay-friendlier country/city?"
"Which countries/cities are gay-friendlier than Australia/Melbourne?"

(more after the jump)

Homophobia and Homotolerance Around The World
I decided to learn more about which and where accepting societies were, and discriminative communities were. It was far easier to name the most homophobic countries than to name the friendliest ones as I used to think that Australia were as accepting as Netherlands.

Good to know that various articles and research reports are available in the Internet. Google and Wikipedia were my best tools in learning more about gay-related issues. The following are some reports that are particularly helpful in understanding society's attitudes towards LGBT around the world:

1. Wikipedia's article on same-sex marriage and civil union
2. ILGA's "State-sponsored Homophobia"
3. Pew Global's "World Publics Welcome Global Trade - But Not Immigration"
4. European Commission's "Eurobarometer 66: Public Opinion in the European Union"
5. Lax and Phillips's "Gay Rights in the States: Public Opinion and Policy Responsiveness"
6. Australia Institute's "Mapping Homophobia in Australia"
7. Galaxy Research's "Same Sex Marriage Report"

1. Wikipedia's article on same-sex marriage and civil union
Same-sex marriage provides a good indicator for tolerance towards LGBT rights. Generally, countries that legalise same-sex marriage would have a more accepting public than those who legalise civil union, or none at all. However, it is not always the case. People of Denmark might be more tolerant than the public of South Africa.

Same-sex marriage is available in Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, and several states of USA. Civil union, registered partnership and its variants are available in many European countries including Denmark, Germany, France, UK and Switzerland; several states in USA, several South American countries, and also in New Zealand, and several states and city governments in Australia.

2. ILGA's "State-sponsored Homophobia"
The law against homosexual activity is also an indicator for homophobic attitude in the country. And the criminal status of the activity perpetuates homophobia in the country. Death penalty is usually imposed in the most homophobic states.

Death penalty for homosexual activity is imposed in Sudan, Mauritania, Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Yemen, and Iran.

3. Pew Global's "World Publics Welcome Global Trade - But Not Immigration"
The survey on 47 countries reveal societies attitudes towards homosexuality (except for Morroco and Pakistan), among other attitudes such as atheism, religiosity, gender roles, and immigration. Sadly Australia was not included in the survey. I'm guessing that UK can be a proxy for Australian attitudes.

For the statement "Homosexuality should be...", Sweden tops the list with 88% respondent choosing "Accepted" versus 9% choosing "Rejected", and 3% undecided (net 77%).
The list is followed by Spain (net 73), Czech (net 67), France (net 66), Germany (net 64), Argentina (net 51), Britain (net 50), and Canada (net 49).

4. European Commission's "Eurobarometer 66: Public Opinion in the European Union"
The survey on European Union nations reveals two indicators of tolerance, on same-sex marriage, and on same-sex couple adoption. Netherlands, Sweden, and Denmark are on the top three of both lists.

5. Lax and Phillips's "Gay Rights in the States: Public Opinion and Policy Responsiveness"
The report shows the variation of support for same-sex marriage and civil union among the states of USA. Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Vermont, New York, and Connecticut make the top 5 in both lists.

6. Australia Institute's "Mapping Homophobia in Australia"
The report shows where in Australia are the least homophobic regions. It's amazing to know that Inner City Melbourne is significantly less homophobic than even Sydney. The research source also did a comparative study with USA in terms of homophobia, and with USA, UK, NZ, and Indonesia in terms of allowing same-sex couple to adopt children. New Zealand appears to be more tolerant towards same-sex couple adoption. You can view more of the publication at roymorgan.com.

7. Galaxy Research's "Same Sex Marriage Report"
The report found that 60% Australians support same-sex marriage. However, the state-by-state result is not clear for Victoria since it is combined with Tasmania.

Factors Influencing Level of Homophobia-Homotolerance
The above reports allow us to identify which countries tend to be homotolerant, and which ones are homophobic. Not surprisingly, countries of a certain level of tolerance share similar traits that can be contrasted from their less tolerant counterparts. The following are dimensions that is often associated with the tolerance level.

1. Religion and cultural background
High level of religiosity is commonly associated with homophobia. World major religions such as Islam, Christianity, and Judaism condemn homosexuality in their scriptures. Other major religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism tend to be less clear regarding homosexuality.

Religion is also strongly correlated with culture. Countries with similar religious background tend to have similar cultures, and attitudes towards homosexuality.

Inglehart's values map shows cultural and religious affiliations among countries. As you might find, countries that have the most advanced LGBT rights such as Denmark (first country to legalise civil union in 1989), the Netherlands (first country to recognise same-sex marriage in 2001), and Sweden (ranks high in attitude towards homosexuality polls) share similar values and are placed closely on the upper-right corner.

However, the map can not be used alone to predict which countries are more tolerant and grants more equal rights to LGBT. For example, Italy has closer values to Belgium, than Spain is to Belgium. Yet even though Belgium and Spain legalises same-sex marriage, Italy does not even recognise same-sex civil union.

2. Political alignment
Political alignment is generally polarised between left-wing and right-wing politics. The left wing politics seeks to establish a more egalitarian society, promotes equality, science and secularisation. The right wing politics seeks to preserve social order, tradition, and religious values. From the description said, the left wing tend to support same-sex marriage and LGBT rights, whereas the right wing generally opposes them since it conflicts their religion and tradition.

The left-right political yin-yang parties in USA is represented by the Democrats (left) and Republicans (right). In Australia the major parties are Liberals (centre-right) and Labor (centre-left). Most progress in equality are reached when the left parties are ruling in the countries. Currently the Democrats (President Obama) and Labor (PM Rudd) are in power just after overthrowing the right-wing parties. However, neither is left enough to support same-sex marriage. Perhaps left-wing parties need to have more stable support base and in leadership for more than 2 terms before introducing sensitive policies such as same-sex marriage.

3. Level of education and income
Higher level of education and higher income are often associated with more tolerance towards homosexuality. Perhaps it is because people with higher education attainment tend to be more critical of religious teachings, have a more open mindset and value social liberty. Higher income level may have less explanation, but it tend to be earned by people with higher level of education.

4. Age and generation
Younger generations tend to have more support for LGBT rights compared to the older and more traditional generations. However, the level of homophobia tend to be higher in age bracket 14-17 than in 18-24. It was suggested that the reason being young teenagers are uncomfortable with the possibility of themselves becoming a homosexual.

5. Urban-rural area
There is a widespread belief that people who live in urban areas are generally more tolerant than their rural counterpart. Perhaps it is because people in urbanised area encounter more strangers everyday, they learn to tolerate differences and respect privacy better than their rural counterpart.

6. Political movements and advocacy
I couldn't really understand how the Spanish population become one of the most pro-LGBT societies in Europe. Especially when Spaniards tend to be more religious and earn lower income compared to other European nations such as France or Germany. On the top of that, Spanish culture tend to have a more gender segregated roles or machismo culture. An explanation was that the attitudes in Spain change drastically after the fall of Francisco Franco regime, who was affiliated with the church.

South Africa is another unique case. The values of South African population on Ingehart's map is located far-away from other LGBT-tolerant countries, yet it was the first nation outside Europe to legalise same-sex marriage nation-wide. The legalisation of same-sex marriage was met with strong opposition from religious communities, yet it is still legal. South Africans are particularly sensitive with apartheid, and civil union is said to be an apartheid form of marriage. South Africa's post-apartheid constitution was the first in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation. Moreover, there is a strong presence of HIV and LGBT activist organisation from all races such as Archbishop Desmond Tutu (black), Zackie Achmat (coloured), Justice Edwin Cameron (white), and Simon Nkoli (black).

The Place To Be
Armed with more research and publications on hand, I began wondering where my ideal place of abode should be. The following are some of the criteria I find important when looking for the place to be:

1. Gay friendliness
I want to be able to live an open life without fear of discrimination or getting bashed. I also prefer for the government to recognize LGBT rights such as anti-discrimination laws, civil union or even better, same-sex marriage.

2. Multiculturalism
Cosmopolitan society tend to be more open-minded, tolerant, and accepting towards immigrants. Percent of foreign born is a good indicator towards multiculturalism. On the top of that, I prefer if the composition of the immigrants come from different countries and regions of the world instead of mostly made of a single country or neighbouring countries.

3. Metropolitan Area Population
Bigger is better. More population means more opportunities, more economies of scale, accommodates wider range of niche services and specialised jobs, and holds more dating pool. And there usually is a lot more happenings and festivities in larger cities. More is merrier. Hehehe...

4. Living standard
Well, who doesn't want high wage and comfortable life?

5. Social welfare and social mobility
I prefer a society that takes care of its disadvantaged people, provide equal opportunity, and safety net. Even if it means higher tax. Nobody needs to be insanely rich, while the underlings' basic needs are unmet. It should not be all doom and gloom if misfortune befalls upon you. I guess I'm a socialist.

6. Climate, Language, and other stuff
I prefer warmer climate. Melbourne is cold enough for me in the winter. I'm unsure if I can survive snowy countries. I'm a tropical creature! Hehehehe...

Secondly, I prefer English as the language of communication. Not that I don't want to learn another language, but I think it would be an impediment to my career if I had to use a language I need to learn from a scratch in doing my job.

Thirdly, I prefer a well-planned city with sound public transportation system for environment-sake, and convenience. Melbourne and Singapore would fare well at this factor.

I can plan for a post-graduate degree at the ideal city, learn more, and try to get permanent residency if I like it.

Let's evaluate the cities!
1. USA's New York
Same-sex marriage performed elsewhere is recognised. Financial capital of the world.

2. USA's Boston
Same-sex marriage is legal. Home to Harvard and MIT.

3. USA's Los Angeles
Largest city in USA's west coast. More people of the same cultural background.

4. USA's San Francisco
The gay Mecca. More people of the same cultural background.

5. Canada's Toronto
Largest city in Canada. One of the most diverse society.

6. Canada's Vancouver
One of the most liveable cities in the world. More people of the same cultural background.

7. UK's London
Civil partnership available.

8. Netherlands's Amsterdam
Gay marriage legal, high percentage speaks english

9. Singapore
Close to Jakarta, warm weather, english is the official language. More people of the same cultural background.

10. Australia's Sydney
Largest city in Australia. More people of the same cultural background than Melbourne. Registered partnership available in the city. My education would be more recognised here than outside Australia.

11. Australia's Melbourne
I'm familiar with the city. Registered partnership available both city and state-wide. One of the most liveable cities in the world. My education would be most recognised here.

I'll come back and edit this post to feature a more in-depth review of each city.

Gayxodus

2009-09-09T02:47:00.040+10:00

The name is Grant, My Grant
Hi there! Sorry for the lack of introduction on my first blog entry. Call me Grant, short for the migrant. This blog entry is an introduction to my life story.

Growing up in 'the Nile'
I was born to a Christian family of hokkien-chinese ethnicity in Jakarta with three siblings; Harold, Roxanne, and Edward. Daddy Timothy is an entrepreneur while Mommy Melinda, is a housewife.

As a young kid, I was different to other boys. I never had strong interest in car toys and soccer like my older brother Harold. When I had boys toys, I would play them in a peaceful and domestic way, not put them into battles. I paired my Power Rangers animal robots to marry each other instead of battling them. I did the same thing with Lego and Saint Seiya action figures. I made them couples and play pretend families.

I liked girls games better. Cooking, caring, and home-making. More peaceful, more filled with love. I tried to join the girls playing, but they would rarely admit me to their clique. I felt like a girl trapped in the wrong body.

My parents should have seen signs. Once, Dad asked if I wanted to be a boy or a girl. I was naively honest, and I answered "girl". He jokingly asked if I wanted my 'titit' to be cut off, and I freaked out imagining the pain and blood involved in such surgery.

Later, I learned that trannies and cross-dressers were always subject to ridicule and shame on TV. I didn't want to become one. I was tired of getting picked on and being friendless. I prayed diligently that God would turn me into a real girl through a miracle. It never happened.

(more after the jump)

Childhood crushes
I started developing crushes on classmates when I reached puberty. This was in my later years of primary school, after I moved to an outer suburb and went to a new school. I got excited seeing sweaty boys changing shirt after soccer play in hot and humid lunch breaks. Some of them were also friendlier than my previous schoolmates.

Apart from classmates, there were TV celebrities that I perved at too. Both local TV series actors, and foreign singers on MTV. Among the local actors were Onky Alexander, Gunawan (Paramitha Rusady's ex-hubby), Teuku Ryan, Thomas Djorghi, Anjasmara, Indra Bruggman, Primus Yustisio, Bertrand Antolin, and Jonathan Frizzy. I remembered being hooked at a jeans advertisement featuring some of these guys topless at a department store.

The foreign singers I fell for were Backstreet Boys's Kevin, Kavana, Gary Barlow, 98 Degree's Jeff Timmons, Boyzone's Ronan Keating, 911's Lee Brennan, The Moffatt's Clint, Ricky Martin, and Westlife's Nicky Byrne.

I also had crushes on many TV/cartoon show male characters; Disney's Aladdin, Disney's Little Mermaid's Eric, SailorMoon's Mamoru Chiba, Sakura Cardcaptor's Lee Shaoran, and Hercules from Hercules and Xena, Power Rangers' Jason (the red ranger), Saint Seiya, Shurato, Teppei Bt'X and Fist of the North Star's Ken. I often imagined being a girl character of their love interest in the story.

I developed addiction to Fighting Video games such as Tekken and Soul Blade because there were topless male fighters or hunks. LoL! My video game crushes were Marshall Law, Hwang, Street Fighter's Ryu, Virtua Fighter's Akira Yuki and Leo, Pokemon's Bruno, and pretty much all hunks who had revealing costumes and whose hairstyle were not too weird. LoL!

Adult Magazines and Porn
I told my older brother that I preferred men's pecs to women's breast. He said he'd 'help' me by supplying adult magazines showing sexy girls. He never eventually did.

I became frustrated with my attraction to guys. I really wanted to change, and I always set a yearly deadline that by the end of the year, I would stop liking guys. I did that every single year, failed each time, and I was in desperation.

Junior highschool friends were my first source of pornographic images. At that time, I didn't even know what a vagina looked like. I thought it would look similar to a belly button, only deeper. Trust me, I'm not kidding. However, the images of nude girls on my schoolmates magazines never aroused me. I was afraid my friends would find out that I didn't like girls, so I pretended to be a good kid who avoided porn because it was evil. But I did like the idea of them getting horny.

Senior highschool was not much different. I was still attracted to guys, I had crushes on classmates, but forced myself to like girls. This was the time when I decided I must at least become bisexual. I bought and hid adult magazines in my room, but these female images hardly aroused me. I got aroused by pictures of guys half naked from newspaper covering swimming competition, or advertisement of muscle supplements. I also watched porn secretly. However, it was the male performers that aroused me. I was in a deep frustration.

Finally I thought being in a relationship with a girl would help me to change. So I dated a girl whom I was quite close to. However, I was never sexually attracted to her. I really tried. I did like her, but it was never in a way straight boys liking girls. We broke up after she finished highschool. Now I feel sorry for wasting her time.

Then came the age of Friendster (social networking site). I stumbled on fake profiles with pictures of sexy guys. In secrecy, I opened these profiles. The photos were watermarked with website address of the picture source. Fratmen.com. Curious, I opened the forbidden website. Found more attractive guys.

Soon, I became familiar to Just Us Boys, Randy Blue, Sean Cody, Corbin Fisher, Blake Mason, Chaos Men, and other gay porn sites. I couldn't resist myself from visiting these sites, looking at the preview pictures. Gosh, they were beautiful. I felt immense guilt after each visit, but also a relief. I kept failing myself, and my instinct ruled.

Low and lowest
Finishing highschool without meeting my personal deadline was really depressing. I often thought of suicide. Not only at highschool graduation, but everytime I fail my yearly deadline. I just never had the courage to do it. If there was an accessible painless method, I would have had done it.

College Years
College years were less pressuring. I didn't have to spend 8 hours a day in a classroom with the same friends. There was much more privacy, and much less social pressure to have girlfriend. Yet I still carried the same mentality during the earlier years.

Fear and Hope
Back then I had two plans:
A. I successfully change myself, marry a woman, and live happily ever after.
B. If I fail to change myself, I will not marry a woman because it would be unfair for her. People would question my sexual orientation, and I'll be at risk of discrimination.

I thought academic achievement would make me more a valuable worker, so that it might alleviate the discrimination. That was my strongest study motivation. I was driven by fear.

Luckily my undergraduate course allowed me to transfer to Australia or the Netherlands. The possibility of settling down overseas was a huge hope. I heard westerners were more tolerant and open minded. As an indicator, gay people could get married in the Netherlands.

It was not gay marriage rights that attracted me to live overseas. Back then I was even still uncomfortable with the idea that a man could marry another man. What attracted me was, the open-mindedness and security from discrimination. Just in case I could not change myself, hopefully they would not hate or discriminate against me.

Self-acceptance
One of the strongest reasons I didn't want to be gay was the thought that all gays had to act like sissies, trannies, and cross-dressers ridiculed on TVs. I didn't want to be like them.

I felt better after watching an Indonesian movie "Arisan!". One of the major characters, Sakti, was a gay guy. Yet he was nothing like the feminine stereotype I always saw. He was handsome, muscular, and masculine. The movie showed his struggle to self-acceptance, and eventual coming out. It gave me a positive image that I could relate with, and I decided that if I had to be gay, I had to be like him. I thank the director Nia Dinata portraying a gay person in a different way.

In August 2007, I transferred my undergraduate course to the University of Melbourne. Being in Australia and away from my parents, I had more privacy to find more information related to being gay, its lifestyle, rights, and discrimination. I was in disbelief to see gay people living happily without hiding, and embracing in public. It got me excited. That was what I always wanted. A life without fear.

In January 2008, I watched this show that really gave me hope and goal in life. A documentary movie titled "Two Men and Two Babies" by SBS. The film featured two Melbourne gay men, Tony Woods and Lee Matthews who went through surrogacy procedure to have children of their own. I cried in joy. I always wanted to become parents and I didn't know I could do it without marrying a woman. And it was done by a Melburnian couple. I am in Melbourne. This is happening here, and I can do it here too.

Out of (the River in) Egypt
Finally I accepted myself as being gay. I was no longer in denial. No more trying to covert to bisexuality. My life has a much more solid goal:
1. I'm going to stay here, live and work in an accepting environment,
2. find and marry the love of my life (hoping for gay marriage to be legalised in Australia soon),
3. and raise children.

I wanted to make this plan a reality.

I still did not tell any of my friends. I didn't care if they would leave me, but I was afraid the news would leak to my family. I was afraid my parents would blame Australia for turning me gay. I was afraid they would stop my education here, take me back home, and ruin my plan to stay. That was why I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't risk losing my new-found hope.

Opening the Closet Door
I was close to this girl Nancy. We both transferred together to study accounting at Melbourne, so we did the same subjects, went to same classes, and became assignment team mates. We went through ups and downs, we had conflicts and arguments, yet we managed to get past them. In the process, we became so compatible in a lot of topics and views about life. I was a horrible and unrefined person, and she helped me be a better person. Our relationship was really close that our friends speculated that we were dating.

I firmly believed that everyone was free to have crush on anyone. Just like I had the right to have unrequited crush on straight guys, any girl had the right to have a crush on me if she wanted to. So I did not mind if Nancy had a crush on me. Secondly, I believed that I had no obligation to disclose what kind of person I am sexually attracted to.

However, I was afraid of hurting her if she developed a false expectation. We were that close that our phone bills were mainly spent on calling each other. Crazy close. She seemed so happy being with me, and I was too. Except that I knew we couldn't be more than best-friends.

I finally decided to let her know. I told her there was something I needed to tell, but even in privacy of my own room I couldn't say it word-by-word. I trembled in depression speechlessly. Eventually Nancy guessed, and I nodded. Tears were shed, and Nancy wrapped her arms around me. The warmest hug in the coldest night. She continued to console me as I walk her home.

The morning after, she told me she felt like she didn't know me. But the piece of information fit the missing puzzle. We talked day and night and she re-assembled the picture of me on her mind. Our phone bills sky-rocketed. The friendship between me and Nancy grew even stronger than before. She was essentially the only one who knew me deep to the inside. She was the only one I could talk freely to.

She helped me through my depression. I was always anxious about having to go back to Indonesia. Life wouldn't worth living in the closet. I wanted to stay. A change in likelihood of getting permanent residence, such as changes in immigration policy, financial crisis, or stories of unaccepted migrants and racism would wear me down. She was my rock.

We laughed at the stereotypical Fag-Hag relationship, but she didn't want to be called a hag. We enjoyed discovering more about gay issues, but I guess I enjoyed it much more than she did. We talked about guys and winked in understanding to each other when noticing cute guys passing by. For once, I really was not lonely. Life had never been that sweet.

Gaynesis

2009-08-08T10:59:00.008+10:00

Let There Be Words
My graduation ceremony is starting within 2 hours, and I should be getting ready for it. Instead, here I am, creating this blog at the most untimely moment just because I wanted the blog to begin while I still can legitimately describe myself as a student.

I accepted myself being gay during my study years in Australia. I'm glad I made it through the phase with support from a close friend. I felt peaceful and I started planning for an 'alternative' future, instead of dwelling in my frustration trying to be somebody I was not. I realised being rejected by the whole world is better than being rejected by my own self.

I still worry for the next stages, though. I'm not fully out yet. Not to my family, the people who matter the most. I still depend on them financially. I am afraid they would make me return home if they found out. I want to stay here so much, because home is not an accepting society.

Phew... I've always longed to have this blog. I need a place where I can be true. A space where I can be out, and let anything on my mind out.

Even though my last final exam was more than a month ago, I didn't start this blog until now because I couldn't find a perfect username to register. I wanted one that was creative, and able to tell something about me and my identity. I am gay. I am away from home. And I am going to stay.

I went as far as reading articles about greek myth characters with same-sex relationship such as ganymede, orpheus, and cyparissus. But none of them fit quite well. Didn't like gay-fob and gaysian was already taken anyway. Finally, with the pressure of time, I registered for gaymigrant [at] gmail.com and started this blog.

Beep. I got an SMS. Dad and Sis are already downstairs, and I'll take them to lunch before the ceremony. Damn, I haven't even taken showers. Better get moving now.